As babies move into the toddler age and then on into adolescence, they will experience bouts of anger. Different children handle change and stress differently. During more stressful times, one child may become quiet and withdrawn while another child explodes. As a parent, you have the responsibility of teaching your child that it’s normal to be upset in certain situations but by allowing those feelings to overflow into verbal and physical violence isn’t acceptable.
Reacting to your child who is in a fit of anger with your own anger will only escalate the situation. Instead, react with a calm voice and control. Since every child has a unique personality and level of frustration, you will have to find the solution that works best for your child. First, consider a time out. As soon as you see your child getting angry, immediately take control of the situation. Allowing the child to continue throwing a fit will make the level of anger even greater. When your child’s anger is at the highest peak, this is not the time to try to rationalize. At this time, the words you speak will not even be heard.
The first thing you need to do is stop the anger from escalating, again, by taking control. Find a comfortable, quiet place where you can place a chair or have your child go to their room to calm down. When you first start doing this, you may have to be firm but quickly your child will understand that these “time outs” help them feel better because they can get a handle on their emotions. In addition, the “time outs” allow you to get a grip on the situation so you do not respond in the wrong way and only make the situation worse.
Next, look at your actions. As much as it may be hard to consider, sometimes the things that start our children spiraling out of control is based on something we have done. If you notice your child becoming angry on a regular basis, create a journal to track what is making them upset. If they get angry because they do not want to clean their room, then that is one thing and obviously, they need to clean their room.
On the other hand, if you see they are becoming upset because of
something specific you say or do that’s out of the norm, consider changing your approach. As parents, sometimes we forget that to children, some of the basic requests made by us might seem huge to them. Part of parenting means to understand not only your child, but yourself as well. Through each phase of your child’s growth, you will be required to adjust the way you handle situations. As long as you stay consistent and aware of your actions, you will do just fine.
Then, do not be opposed to listening to your child. While they cannot have free reign of the house, ask them what upsets them. Find a quiet time where you can sit down and talk to your child. Help them create a list of what things make them upset or feel bad. Although you may think you know your child 100%, by the time the list is complete, you will probably be surprised at some of the answers.
Finally, involve children in being responsible for their own anger. Have your child choose a special word that you will use to let them know their level of anger is getting too high. For example, if you have an eight-year old son and sometimes he gets angrier than he should, perhaps he might choose the word “dragon” as his special word. The two of you sign a contract, making it official that at any time he becomes too angry, you have permission to use his word. Once the word is spoken, he is required to go sit down or go to his room to cool off.
These four tips will do four specific things. First, they will help you identify the things upsetting your child as well as how to make adjustments for your own behavior. Second, you are showing your child that you love them enough to change your own behavior, if needed. Third, you are providing consistent love and encouragement. Fourth, your child is being taught how to take some responsibility for their behavior.
Making changes takes time. Some children will respond very quickly while others take a little more time. Just be patient and before long, you will see an improvement. Each time your child conquers a bout of anger, they will discover they have strength. Eventually, this strength will help build their self-confidence and show them that they can conquer many other things in life.