A common cause of tantrums, outbursts, and refusals is a child’s sense that he has lost control. Children desperately want to feel that they have some control over themselves and their environment. Thus, they get into frequent power struggles with mom and dad.
For example, if your son starts getting out modeling clay and you say, “No, put that away, we’re about to eat dinner,” you have taken away his power of choice–both how he can choose to spend his time, and what objects he can manipulate in his environment. And when you announce “It’s time for bed,” you have taken ultimate command over his routine, leaving him again with no alternatives. Of course, the parent must be in charge. But you’ll find your child is more cooperative when he believes that some of the “power” is still in his hands.
Offer Choices
One way to help your child feel that she still has some power is to offer choices. While the child is making a choice, she is in “charge” for that moment. The trick is to manipulate the choices so that all of them would ultimately gain compliance.
If your daughter refuses to take a bath, you might suggest three choices: “You can have a long bubble bath, a shower, or a quick bath with the apple shampoo.” Often, the presentation of a choice makes the child’s tantrum calm down. “Hmmmm, I have some power back,” she thinks. She must take a bath, but she can choose what kind of bath she wants.
An old teacher’s trick…
Teachers often use this technique effectively. When it gets overly noisy during the viewing of a film, a teacher might suggest to the classroom, “We can watch the rest of the movie in silence, or we can get out our history textbooks and begin the next chapter.” Either option is acceptable to the teacher, but he assumes that his class will want to continue the movie. He leaves the choice up to them, and they naturally choose to quiet down.
Using this method, you can help your child to cooperate. If he refuses to eat his dinner, rather than threaten, “If you don’t eat your dinner, you’re going straight to bed,” you could offer a choice: “You can eat six big bites and get a cookie, or go get ready for bed. You decide.” The child doesn’t want to get ready for bed, and the choice number one gets him a cookie. So he complies.
Choice is power!
I once cared for a child with Pervasive Developmental Disorder on a long-term basis. This technique of offering choices was particularly effective with him. Anytime he needed his actions redirected, he threw a fit. “No, we don’t color on furniture,” I’d say, gently guiding him away form the couch. He would immediately wail. So I would suggest three choices which were more appropriate. “You can color on this green poster, on the spaceman coloring book, or on this old magazine.” Very quickly, he would stop kicking and look at his options. Suddenly he had the power back, and was telling me which of the three possibilities he wanted most. In his mind, I now had to “comply” with his wants. He didn’t comprehend that I had manipulated the choices to gain his obedience.
The next time your child refuses to cooperate, try offering choices. It takes a little practice, but I’ve found it to be a very helpful parenting tool.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here.