It can be so difficult when we try to help someone who doesn’t seem to want real help. So many people want support with the here-and-now but have a hard time focusing on the long term. In situations where people don’t seem to want real assistance, it can be difficult to stay motivated in helping out.
For instance, suppose you have a family that is struggling to make ends meet. A single mom, perhaps, working minimum wage. Her primary concern is getting her children fed on a daily basis. In such a state, she has difficulty realizing that it would be more effective to focus on a better paying job. She can’t imagine turning down hours so that she could do something like obtain a GED, attend a career workshop, or take a class that would improve her marketability. Her eye stays on how much money she can bring home each week. She works hard and hates to ask for help, but she doesn’t seem to understand that the best way to avoid continuous assistance is to change the situation, to suffer a little more pain or difficulty now in order to end it in the near future.
In my calling as a member of the Relief Society presidency in one of the poorer parts of Pennsylvania – certainly the poorest branch I have ever been a member of – I have hit this situation a couple of times. I am a type-A, go-getter personality; I make goals and plans, and then I seek to accomplish them. So I find myself getting frustrated with those who can’t seem to move outside of their comfort zone to make the changes they so drastically need.
So what do we do? First, we have to accept that we cannot change others. They have to change themselves. We can share knowledge and give guidance, but we cannot strong-arm them into doing what is good for them. We cannot even make them motivated; they have to come to that on their own.
No, we have to accept that they have agency, and continue to love them. We may not be able to give them the financial support that they need, but we can give them emotional and spiritual support. We can visit and talk with them, show them that they are loved and cared for, pray for and with them, and so on. We can give advice on occasion, but I’ve found advice is best received when it is asked for, and it is usually only asked for after a relationship is developed.
As I have struggled with this – and believe me, it has been a personal struggle – I have come to realize that this is how Heavenly Father must feel with each of us. He knows which way we ought to be going, and He’s been pretty clear in teaching each of us. But, stubborn as we are, we don’t always stick to His plans, we don’t always heed His advice. We have to do things our way, in our time. So I suppose situations like this help make us more like Him, and teach us to continue to love, even when we can’t help. I guess I’ll have to stop trying to plan other folks’ futures for them and let them make their own mistakes.
Hmm, if it’s this hard for me to do with folks I’ve known for a few months, what am I going to do about my children?!
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