As adoption becomes more prevalent, you are more likely to know an adoptive family or have a family member who is somehow involved in adoption. One thing that is very difficult for adoptive families is the fact that most of the people we know and often even our family members don’t really understand what it is like to be an adoptive family. This article is for those of you who don’t plan to adopt, but who have adoptive families in their lives. Here are some ways that you can support these families:
Be Supportive of their Decision to Adopt
When you finally make the decision to adopt, the first thing you start to wonder is, “what will our friends and family think?” There are usually the people you expect to react positively and then those who you are more worried about approaching. However, the truth is that you are about to add a child to your family and you want everyone to know about it!
One of the most wonderful things we experienced was the people who were nothing but happy for us. They didn’t question, they didn’t probe, they just joined us in our excitement. If you can be one of those people, then the adoptive family in your life will be so grateful. We already receive so much criticism from others, that it is great to know that there is someone in our corner. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a few doubts or even that it is wrong for you to talk to the future adoptive family. However, if the first things you say are positive and you take the time to share in their joy, it will mean the world to them.
Don’t Treat Them Differently
One thing that can be very hurtful to an adoptive parent or their adopted child is when they are somehow singled out. Often people do this without even knowing it. They may identify the parents as “those people who adopted the baby from China” or they may introduce the child as adopted, as in “This is Jane and her adopted daughter Ashley”.
Being an adoptive family is a lot like living in a glass house. People are curious and they watch you. Anything that you can do to help the adoptive family feel accepted and feel “normal” is greatly appreciated.
Also remember that adoptive families are just like any other family in most areas. They have the same struggles and the same joys of any family unit. They deal with laundry and work and school and diapers just like everyone else. Allowing a family formed by adoption to focus on what makes them the same, rather than what makes them different, is a valued gift.
Respect Their Privacy
People are naturally curious. Adoption already has so many things to wonder about and it is tempting to ask questions. Why was she available for adoption? Was he abused? Are they real siblings? It is normal to wonder, but also remember that adoptive families still need their privacy. Sometimes there is information that they don’t want to share with people, other times they are leaving the decision of how much to share up to the child when they are older.
It is possible that the family will choose to tell you the circumstances that surrounded their adoption. You might be one of the few people they trust. If that is the case, make sure that you honor their confidence in you.
Overall, what adoptive families want is to be supported and to be encouraged in the path that they have chosen. Anything you can do to make that path easier will make you a hero in their eyes.