I should probably admit up front that I learned this lesson the hard way—as single parents, it is perfectly alright if we want and need to take our time before introducing new friends and/or dates to our children. Often, we might feel pressure from either side—our kids want to “check out” this person we might be seeing or getting to know and our new friend wants to “check out” what our children are like. As the parent, though, we do get to choose and while I’ve heard different opinions on this—for me, slow is better.
I want to be clear here, I am not just talking about dating but new friends and social contacts can also fall into the “take it slowly” philosophy for a variety of reasons. While I want people to know from the very beginning that I am a mom and that my children and parenthood are central to my life, I have learned that I also need time to get to know someone on my terms—whether as a friend or a potential dating interest—without getting comments and input from my kids. I also know that I need time to negotiate what sort of a relationship it will be prior to everyone meeting each other. My kids are tough judges of character and I don’t want them to run someone off before I’ve had a chance to prepare him or her, but I also don’t want my kids to be hurt if they meet and get to know someone who then decides not to come around anymore. I know I cannot control this and it has happened plenty—but I’m learning that taking things slowly just works better.
If you decide that you want to take the mutual introductions slowly, don’t let yourself get pressured or shamed into rushing things. I know for a fact that this can be hard! People might want to check out your kids before they invest too much time getting to know you and while that might make perfect sense to them, you still have to decide what is best for you and your family. I have learned how to tell people that I am not just looking after one person, but four. Whether they understand that or not is their issue, but we do get to decide on a pace that works best for us.
Also: Single Parent Dating–Don’t Take Things Personally
Single and Dating–Learning to Ask Better Questions
The “Idea” of Children and Family vs. the Reality