Many of us single parents try really hard NOT to say anything negative or hateful about the ex or our ex-in-laws. Perhaps we are not perfect, but I do know that many single parents do try to keep their anger and anxiety to themselves. As long as there is tension, stress and negativity, however, whether it is unspoken or not—our kids do pick up on it. Does this mean we have to repress our feelings even further or can there be healthy ways of working thing out?
I am of the opinion that it is the buried and repressed things that can hurt us, not so much the things we try to work out and get out in the open. This does not mean that I think we should just bash and badmouth our exes or the other people in our children’s lives. But I do think if there is stress and tension there, we need to work on it so that it does not keep seething and influencing our lives.
I think it is better not to say anything or to say something like “Yes, I’m still upset about that but I am working on letting it go” instead of smiling and trying to convince a child that things are all lovey-dovey when your actions and emotions show otherwise. These mixed messages can make a child distrustful and unsteady—feeling like there is dishonesty going on and not knowing exactly why or what to do about it.
I think it can be healthy to take ownership of our feelings and acknowledge the tension rather than trying to pretend it doesn’t exist—especially if we can keep from blaming or pushing things off on the other person: “Your dad and I just don’t agree on how this should be handled, but we are trying to come to a compromise” is an example of how we can acknowledge that there is a disagreement, without turning it into a bashing session. We can maintain our authority and deal with things like adults—even if we don’t agree 100% of the time. This can be a good opportunity for us to teach our children healthy and genuine communication, while also modeling how we can interact and work with people we might not particularly want to work with.