One of the most difficult things to do after divorce, no matter how messy or clean it was, is learning to love someone again. This does not necessarily mean the same type of love reserved just for another spouse, but also includes plutonic, or family types of love. Probably the biggest reason newly divorced people struggle with relationships of all kinds is the trust factor. Typically when a person is ending a significant long-term relationship it completely blows the ability to trust right up. This defense mechanism, unfortunately, is not just reserved for just the person you are having the relational trouble with. The trust involved in any type of relationship is pretty much shattered.
The good news is that in time the ability to trust and therefore love again do occur. It just takes a lot of time and hard work.
Another important ingredient in making another spousal relationship work is commitment to the relationship. Ouch- that one can hurt, especially if you feel like you gave your last relationship 150% without the same in return. In order to have complete healing, a person who has experienced a death of a relationship or a loved one will need to get to a point where you can love others in a committed way. This means being able to consistently put the needs of others ahead of our own, and not necessarily in the way we do with our children. We need to be able to do this with another adult that we are committed to. For many people putting the needs of other adults ahead of our own is more challenging than doing it for our kids. Children are more needy that adults we might rationalize.
If you are interested in establishing a relationship with a new love interest it will be crucial for you to break the emotional bond that you may still have with your ex-yes even after several years of therapy. Removing or actually stopping that emotional bond will help to bring the freedom you need to move on.
We cannot replace relationships that once worked at some level for us, but we can learn to love again through hard determined work and trusting commitment.