Whose house should you go to for Thanksgiving this year? Who gets to see you for Christmas? Rather than looking forward to spending the holidays with the family, some marriages fall on the brink of ruin every holiday season with the arguments to these questions. Your parent weren’t happy you married him, or his mother can’t stand you, and makes it apparent every time you are in her home. It’s sad, but many families all over America, and the rest of the world, I expect, have to deal with this question.
My parents would fight about it every year. For both Christmas and Thanksgiving, we went to my maternal grandmother’s house, without fail. My father and my grandmother did not get along, but out of love for my mother we went every year, and as I grew up I watched my father endure the few hours sitting uncomfortably through the long dinner and visiting in the big living room afterward. It wasn’t so much that he wanted to go to his mother’s house that might have been even more uncomfortable for him, I think he just would have rather stayed at home.
My parents weren’t unusual; many couples have to make the decision as to which in-laws house to go to for the holidays, many having to fly hundreds of miles to get there. Young couples especially feel committed to going to the parent’s house for the holidays. The holidays should be a good time to be thankful and have fun, not an obligation. It is unfair for in-laws to put the burden on their kids to spend the holidays with them, even if they miss them very much and want to spend that time together. That sounds harsh, but it’s true.
One solution is to spend alternating holidays with one family. Thanksgiving with mom’s parents one year, dad’s the next. Often this is the only and best choice. Or you can choose to stay at home and invite the parents to come stay with you for the holidays if you are an only child or the rest of your siblings can not make it.
Another option is to stay home. Make arrangements to visit them during the summer months for a weekend or two, but let them know that you’ve chosen to stay home and spend a quiet Christmas alone. We finally came to the arrangement in our house that we would have Thanksgiving with our friends, one year going to someone’s home, the next year inviting a few friends over to ours, and alternate Christmas between my family’s house and his. This was the best solution for our particular family, and we have long since stopped arguing about it.
Hopefully your marriage is part of a large, happy extended family and you do not have to ever worry about this. I genuinely hope so. For the rest of us, a happy medium must be reached, because otherwise we may lose the deeper meaning of both of these holidays, celebration and gratitude.