As we’ve discussed previously, living together is not like being married — in fact – many couples who have cohabitated and then married agree that there is a different emotion, feeling and expectation associated with marriage that is not present in cohabitation. Similarly, while I have also talked about the need for married couples to enjoy couple time and date nights, marriage is not dating.
When We Date
Dating in the United States is a mixture of courtship, friendship and romance. Many individuals may date without ever expecting the relationship to go anywhere. A date happens because one individual or another asks the other to join them at the movies, for dinner or at some other event. As described in More on Presidential Marriages, President George Bush took the First Lady to play miniature golf on their first date.
Getting to know each other, testing chemistry and personality compatibility are all the reasons why we date. We date each other because we are curious or we like them. The point of dating is conversation, learning and exploring whether or not there is a depth of feeling. The major differences between dating and courtship is that dating is not necessarily the formal approach to marriage. A couple may date that has no intentions of marrying and where marriage is not the goal.
When we date, we are for lack of a better term – exploring our options. As teenagers, dating is a way of getting to know the opposite sex and learning how to cope with them. There are very few rules that apply to modern dating. In fact, once upon a time – dating presumed that the male asked the female – modern dating is more often a case of joint decision, female asking male or male asking female.
Getting to Know You
Dating is about enjoying each other. Rarely does it involve a deep exploration of feelings or commitments. Dates involve going to films, sporting events, fun activities and other type events – it’s about getting together and having a good time. You get to know each other in and around the enjoyment. Expressions of intimacy are limited initially – few couples will kiss on a first date unless the attraction is persistent and strong.
The lack of intimacy, however, is not what sets marriage apart from dating – dating is about having a good time. Marriage is about life commitment, problem solving, sharing trials and tribulations as well as enjoying a companion while doing all of that. Dating is good for a marriage because it enhances the fun – but dating itself is not comparable to marriage because without understanding that marriage is about life’s ups and downs, curve balls, fast balls and even balls that come from out of bounds and dating is just about having fun and enjoyment – you can’t possibly compare the two.
No Comparison
We’ve talked about the need for marriage education before – this education is even more vital in a society where dating is just about bringing on the fun. When young couples marry after months of dating, whether they have cohabitated or not, marriage can be a shock. Expectations change and while it can take a year or two for the stress of life and marriage to affect the couple – it will happen. Married couples need date nights to help remind them of the ways they enjoy each other – but dating couples need much more to sustain a life together.
How have your experiences with dating helped you with your marriage?
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