Your spouse doesn’t want to have a child, but you do and while you both feel strongly about your position – neither of you wants to see the other one hurt or burdened by the other’s wants and needs. That being said, it’s important to understand that if you are discussing having a child and you are both not fully committed to having one – then you are making a mistake for both your marriage and your child.
Now before someone gets mad at me and says that their spouse didn’t want a child, but it worked out – understand that there are always exceptions to every rule. But if your spouse really feels strongly about not wanting a child and you want one – there’s a chance you can both regret the decisions you make – especially if one spouse is not committed to bringing up the child together.
Having a Baby Together Is About Both Of You
When you decide to have kids, it’s not about satisfying the personal desires of one spouse or another. It’s about making the transition from married couple to parents. It’s about suddenly dedicating a huge chunk of your lives to this beautiful little creation. When you have a baby, you are not just creating something to cuddle and to fulfill the requirements on the biological clock, you are creating a person. This person will have wants, needs and desires.
If you are not fully committed to meeting those wants, needs and desires – the burden can create undue stress and lead to off-hand remarks like:
I never wanted to have a kid in the first place – this was YOUR idea.
But even if your spouse never says anything, that resentment will be there and don’t think well – you are getting what you want, so you can live with a little resentment. That resentment can chip away at the relationship and it can affect the very person you so desperately want to create.
How fair is that?
Our childhoods are fleeting, our babies’ childhoods are even more so. If a child feels like their parent one or the other doesn’t want them. It can color your baby’s life for the rest of their life. When a couple decides to become parents – it’s not about fulfilling some biological need – it’s about committing to protecting, nurturing, loving and sharing the lives you have built as a couple to shelter this new person. Then it’s about going forward to building a life that includes them.
If your spouse doesn’t want to have a child – don’t force them. You are committing them to something they don’t want – and you are committing a child to a life with an indifferent parent.
Yes, it may work out – some men and women – experience the fear of having a child because they don’t think they will be a good parent. There is a difference between being afraid of failure and accepting that you really don’t want to have a child in your life. Don’t do that to your spouse. Don’t do that to yourself – but beyond the two of you – don’t do that to a baby.
Do you or your spouse not want to have children?