Okay, so what is the big deal – after all, it is nothing more than a little white lie. As children start growing up, they become very creative, with a great imagination. Some of the cute things they say are merely copying what they hear. However, there comes a time when your child knows the truth from untruths. When you hear your child taking what they know to be a fact and telling someone something different, that becomes a lie.
Children start lying for one of many reasons. Maybe they have done something wrong and they know by telling the truth, they are going to get in trouble or perhaps they are trying to please you. It might be that they have been picked on at school and lying becomes a way to avoid embarrassment. When you run into this situation with your child, do not set them up. Simply tell them that you know they are lying.
For example, you have just baked a chocolate cake for your father’s birthday dinner. The family will be over in about an hour and you just finished frosting the cake and setting it on the counter. As you start getting ready, you inform everyone to keep his or her hands off the cake. Your small child comes into your room and you notice a chocolate streak on his or her face. Okay, there really is no point in asking, “Have you been into something you weren’t supposed to get into?”
When you do this, you have just set up your child to lie. Their response is going to be to lie in order to stay out of trouble. Instead, say to them, “I see you got into the cake when I told you not to. Please go to your room and when I finish getting ready, I’ll come in and talk to you.” Now you have confirmed that you know they disobeyed and they know they are in trouble but didn’t lie.
If your child approaches you and says, “Mom, I know you told me to stay out of the cake and well, I tasted the frosting anyway.” Tell your child that you appreciate them being honest with you. Depending on the severity of the situation, a simple talk may do the trick while in more serious situations you may need to punish the child with grounding. Children need to know that they can tell you the truth at all times and while they still may be punished, you will respect them for their honesty.
A famous radio personality told a story about when she was trying to teach her 10-year old son not to lie. No matter what she did, he continued to fib about everything. One day, she decided to turn the tables on him to help him understand how lying hurts people and breaks the bond of trust. She told him beforehand that she was going to start lying to him as well and that he would never know when she was lying or telling the truth.
After a few weeks of having their little chat, she caught him in another lie. She pretended as if she had no idea he had just lied. As he turned to walk away, she said, “By the way, on Friday, we’re going to Disneyland.” He let out a scream and was so excited. He called all his friends and told them about this great trip coming up. When Friday rolled around, he was hyper and so excited. He was up early that morning, bags packed, ready to go. By 10:00 a.m., he approached his mom and asked what time they were leaving for Disneyland. Very nonchalantly she replied, “Oh, we’re not going, that was lie.” With that, she walked away and continued through her day.
A few days later, he lied again. Once again, about a week later, she told him that they were going to his favorite pizza restaurant for dinner.” He loved this place so he ate only a small lunch to keep plenty of room left just for pizza. By 6:30 p.m., he again approached his mom asking what time they were leaving. Again, she looked him square in the face and stated, “That was a lie. We’re not going anywhere for dinner.” It was hard to see him disappointed, but she knew she had to make him understand how hurtful and disappointing lying was.
The mother noticed over the next few weeks that her son was not lying. One day he came up to her and said, “Mom, do you love me?” She smiled and responded, “I love you with all of my heart.” He then asked, “Is that a lie?” “No – that is the truth.” While it took a little longer to get the lying out of his system, this boy finally got the picture and decided that lying was not worth it. He did not like the fact that he never knew when his mom was being honest or lying. This is a drastic lesson, but I think you get the point. Teaching your child that lying is not good helps makes him become a better person.