“The building of a person’s self-concept can be compared to building a three-legged table. Such a table will stand only when all three supports are strong. If any one of the legs is weak, the table will wobble and rock. If a leg is missing, goodbye table.” This quote is from Parenting With Love and Logic, discussed in part I. Now, let’s have a closer look at each leg of that three-legged table.
According to the authors, a child’s three-legged table of self-concept, as they call it, is built on the implied messages we send to our children. These messages either build them up or tear them down. Sometimes well-intended messages have covert negative meanings. We may mean well but the messages are received differently by the child.
The three legs of the table are:
Leg One: I am loved by the magic people in my life.
Parents have to show their kids that they love them unconditionally. This means no matter how badly they are misbehaving, or if they are having problems in school, etc. Children have to know and feel that their parents love them– no strings attached.
Leg Two: I have the skills I need to make it.
Parents have to make their kids feel that they can be just as successful as other kids their age, be it in the classroom, the ball field, etc. They also have to know that they are responsible for their success. They must know that mom or dad can’t do it for them.
Leg Three: I am capable of taking control of my life.
Kids who have a strong third leg know that they are capable of not only taking control of their lives but of making decisions and being able to live with both the good and bad consequences of these decisions.
Finally, the authors feel that kids are born with the courage to control their lives and to make decisions on their own but they don’t have the experience on which to base their decisions. So they usually make poor decisions. But they have to learn from their mistakes, provided parents don’t get too involved.