I know, I know. Parents are supposed to be brilliant, with all the answers. Parents know what to do and when to do it. So what is all this about “playing dumb?” Well, there are certain times when holding back your parental smarts might just be a good idea.
Example One: Maggie
Let’s say three-year-old Maggie has a language delay, and she wants to play outside. She begins loudly banging on the back door. It’s very obvious what she wants. Her mother, annoyed by the noise, says, “Do you want to go outside, Maggie?” And Maggie groans and knocks louder. Her mother rises and goes to the door, letting her outside.
Maggie’s mother lost an opportunity to encourage her child’s language skills by guessing her child’s wants.
Example Two: Chad
In another example, Chad is an autistic child with marked language difficulties. As he enters his play space, he sits down in his reading chair. His mother decides, “You want the monster book, right Chad?” She reaches it down from the shelf and places it in his hands. Without uttering a word, Chad begins flipping through the pages.
In this case, Chad’s mother also lost a valuable opportunity. She predicted what her son would want, before he had the opportunity to make it known.
Guessing and Predicting
When children have speech and language delays, it’s sometimes easy for parents to start predicting and guessing, in a misguided effort to “help” their kids. It feels like what good parents should do…make things as easy for the child as possible. After all, he or she has a disability, and life is hard enough. Right?
The problem with parents guessing and predicting is that it robs the child of the motivation to speak. Think about it… if your thoughts could be read by others, what would the point of talking be? You’d simply think something and it would happen. Children with language difficulties find verbal communication frustrating. So why would they bother speaking if they don’t have to?
How “Playing Dumb” Works
Sometimes, it helps to literally “play dumb” with a language-delayed child. In other words, act as though only meaningful verbal expressions make sense to you. (Unless your child is being taught to use sign language, and then you may respond to the appropriate sign.) The words your child uses don’t need to be perfect, but they should be fairly clear. Don’t respond to nonsense words. As a guide, ask yourself whether a stranger would understand what your child is saying. If not, you should pretend not to understand it, and encourage or model a more appropriate phrase. The goal is to help your child eventually be able to successfully communicate in society on his own.
Using the “playing dumb” technique, let’s take another look at Maggie and Chad’s examples, and see what could happen:
Maggie bangs on the door to go outside. Her mother looks at her curiously. Maggie bangs louder. Her mother asks, “Maggie, why are you banging on the door?” Since banging always worked before, Maggie is frustrated. She bangs as hard as she can, gritting her teeth. Her mother says, “I don’t understand that. Sorry,” and looks down at her newspaper. Now Maggie starts to tantrum. She lays on the floor kicking her feet furiously. Her mother ignores the outburst entirely. Finally Maggie stands up by the door again. She hits the door and makes a sound. “Door!” she says.
Her mother looks up. “Did you say something? Did you say ‘Door?’”
“Door!” says Maggie.
“What about the door?”
Maggie stomps her foot. “Door…op-it-up…Mamma,” she says.
“Oh! You want me to open the door!” Maggie’s mother stands up and unlocks the door.
Using this “playing dumb” technique, she encouraged Maggie to use language to get her needs met. She resisted the urge to open the door, despite knowing very well what Maggie’s banging meant. She then rewarded her daughter for a good attempt at meaningful language, without expecting perfection or letting the “playing dumb” go on too long.
Let’s look again at Chad’s situation:
He sits in his reading chair, and his mother smiles at him. “What would you like to do today, Chad?” She asks. Chad reaches up with his hands toward the books. “What’s up there? What do you want?” Chad grunts and reaches, and his mother instinctively knows what he means. But she purposely pretends not to understand. “Do you want a toy?” Chad pounds on the table. Then he reaches again toward the books. Since Chad needs a verbal prompt, his mother says, “I’m not sure I understand. Do you want a toy? Or a book?” Chad reaches for the book. “Say Book,” his mother says, repeating “Book.” She holds it away from his grasp.
Chad grunts. “Buuh,” he says, reaching. “Book.”
“Yes. BOOK!” responds his mother, giving it to him.
Unlike the previous version, Chad’s mother has now modeled appropriate language, encouraged Chad to speak, and rewarded him for his effort.
If your child struggles with language, be careful not to guess and predict too often. Instead, pretend not to understand. Your child’s determination to get her own needs met is a very profound motivator for her to try to communicate effectively.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here.