When my children were younger, I really thought I knew how I was going to parent them as teenagers. I observed other parents and saw much of what I thought was “wrong.” Sure, I saw some good examples but I was convinced that parenting with strictness was the only way to go.
Well let me tell you something, most of what I thought when they were younger has completely gone out the window. And even though my children will probably still tell you that I am “strict,” they have no idea what it could have been. If I had decided to parent them like I once thought I would, they would feel like they were in prison.
That’s because I had a pretty long list of what won’t happen. They won’t have boyfriends or girlfriends, they won’t get to listen to loud music, they won’t be allowed to go anywhere without me and it goes on.
Now some do parent this way and I am not here to condemn anyone. I am just saying that I have learned something about life…you can never determine ahead of time how it will go, so why try and determine ahead of time how you will parent in future seasons?
Let’s the take the boyfriend/girlfriend thing…something at one time I said would never be allowed until they were 18. Then at a different time I changed it to “maybe” when they were 16. It has changed yet again.
Here is the thing about teenagers. You can try and “stop” them from doing lots of things but the reality is they are going to do it anyway. Now this doesn’t mean you give the go ahead. For instance, if you truly believe that your teen is going to drink, you don’t buy the six-pack for them. We have to use commonsense here.
What I am trying to say is that there are some battles not worth fighting. Save the fighting for the war. My teenager drinking alcohol would be a war…something I will not allow. But a boyfriend or a girlfriend? That has become more of a battle and as I said, one not worth fighting.
But before you get the idea that just because I think something is a battle, it means I don’t engage in it…you would be mistaken. Even battles require some type of engagement; it’s just that it’s not in the form of fighting. Many battles are better won with compromise.
So for instance, my daughter likes a boy from church and he likes her. In fact, he asked her several months in advance to attend a formal with him. When she brought it up, she assumed I would say no. I think she was more than shocked when I said yes.
But that yes has been followed up with lots of discussions about expectations. I have also been able to talk with his parents and we are all keeping a careful watch on things. This seems to be the best approach for our family.
Who knows what will happen in a month or five months now. They could decide they don’t like each other or they could decide they want to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Past lessons have taught me that I can’t make a decision now on what I will do. I am just taking it all one step at a time…preparing for the battle and gearing up for the war.
Related Articles:
Teen Dating: When Your Teen Isn’t Ready
Teen Dating: When Your Teen Is Ready
Photo by Beverly & Pack in Flickr