By the age of seven, most children begin to recognize families are usually defined by blood relationships and start to understand the difference between birth and adoption. Children in non-traditional families typically begin to realize their family is different from most others.
During the early elementary school years, children start to understand the concept of adoption and the loss it means for them. Children conclude that in order to be adopted they had to lose something–the chance to grow up with biological relatives.
Adopted children begin to understand they don’t have what other children have, they are different from their peers. If the adopted child looks different then their parents they may feel even more different from their peers who typically blend in with their families.
At the same time adopted children begin to understand what adoption means, so do the other children who were not adopted. Peers may begin to ask questions:
- “Why were you given away?”
- “Why didn’t your real mom keep you?”
- “Why do you look different from your parents?”
School-age children begin to think more about adoption and what that means to them. They think about their birth parents and why they were placed for adoption. At this age, research has found children formulate three main reasons why they were placed for adoption:
- 1- Some negative characteristics of themselves.
- 2- Their birth parents’ financial problems.
- 3- Their birth parents’ lack of time to care for a baby.
Children at this age may become preoccupied with adoption. Parents and teachers may see some changes in behavior at home and school. It may be difficult to know whether the daydreaming child is preoccupied with thoughts of adoption, has attention difficulties, or is just being seven.
It doesn’t seem to matter at what age the child was placed, children between the ages of six and 10 feel losses associated with the placement. Each child is unique and will place emphasis on being adopted in different ways. For some children, adoption affects them mildly, while others are affected more deeply.
Some adopted children will ask their parents questions and still not be satisfied with the answers:
- “Why didn’t she keep me?”
- “Is there something wrong with me?”
- “Was I a bad baby?”
- “Did I cry too much?”
Some adopted children will ask the same questions and are satisfied with any information parents give them. The key for parents is to be ready for the questions and talk openly with the adopted child about their feelings. It can be difficult to understand how an adopted child is coming to terms with their feelings about adoption. It is important that adoptive parents are not threatened or defensive about an adopted child’s feelings of loss and difference. This is part of growing up and understanding what it means to be adopted.
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