One of the most devastating things a person can go through in a marriage relationship is broken trust, specifically being the victim of a spouse’s affair. A whole host of emotions are released when discovering your spouse has cheated, and none of them are positive. In fact, many find that depression and rage are the two most common emotions experienced.
Is it possible to rebuild trust after an affair? Is it desirable to stay with your spouse after he or she broke the marriage vows? The answer is yes, but it won’t be easy.
Finding it within you to forgive what seems like the unforgivable will be your biggest challenge. Counseling may be necessary to help you cope with the vast array of emotions you will experience. If your spouse confessed the affair, it’s obvious the guilt was too much for him or her to bear, and he or she wanted to be honest and to stop. If on the other hand, you discovered the affair yourself and it was then brought to a halt, this may make things even more challenging. Either way, if you’ve decided to stay and work things out, here are some basic things to remember.
1. Accountability. It’s important that your spouse is held accountable for his or her time, computer use, phone calls and etc. Trust needs to be earned once again and therefore, it’s important that they are held accountable for daily and nightly activities.
2. After the blaming, the yelling, the accusations and everything else has been expressed, it’s now time to let it go and move on. You may not be able to forget what your spouse has done, but if you’ve decided to stay and work it out with them, then you need to get beyond the anger. That’s part of forgiveness.
3. Spouses who have had an affair are likely to work extra hard at “making it up” to their spouses by doing anything and everything that is asked of them, however, it’s important not to take advantage of them. They are your spouse, not your slave. They may have been wrong, but working them like a slave is not payment for cheating.
4. Once the affair has been confronted, discussed and dissected it is best not to bring it up over and over again, or to use as leverage against your spouse.
If, after following these steps you still struggle with issues like anger, depression, self-esteem problems, and trust, you may just need to go into marriage counseling. Not everyone can handle a spouse’s affair without a third party to guide and counsel them through this difficult time.