If you’re like me, this topic makes you say, “Yikes.” There’s something really nerve-wracking about the idea that our special needs child might someday date. This is especially true for parents of children with cognitive disabilities such as Down syndrome, autism spectrum disorders, and so forth. These children can be particularly vulnerable and it’s hard to imagine them handling any kind of romantic friendship, no matter how innocent. (Let’s face it, it’s not always pleasant picturing our neuro-typical kids dating either.) Here are some tips I would offer:
- Don’t panic. First, recognize that often times these special adolescents don’t even have the desire to date (if at all) until they are in their late teens or early twenties. Even though their peers may be talking about dating constantly, they are likely to be developing emotionally at a slower rate. Plus, their intentions are usually much more innocent than that of their peers. So, take a deep breath.
- Look for signs of readiness, which would include the ability to manage their own personal hygiene, handle or spend small amounts of money without difficulty, call home or use a cell phone, and to generally behave in socially appropriate ways. Is your child able to function on his own out in public? The more signs of personal independence and self-control your child consistently displays, the better.
- Educate your son or daughter. Perhaps you could take him out on practice “dates,” either with the opposite sex parent or a teenage close friend or relative. Practice and discuss manners, grooming, dealing with waiters or clerks, appropriate physical conduct, good conversation, etc.
- Consider safety issues. Both young men and women with special needs can become prey to individuals who would purposely take advantage of their innocence. I am still sickened when I think about the news report of a special needs teenage girl who was gang raped by a group of football players. Don’t allow your special needs daughter, for example, to date someone from school unless you’re familiar with the boy’s family and know exactly what the details of the date will be. Chaperoning is the safest bet, although most teenagers won’t like it. Encourage double dating or dating in groups, where same-sex friends can keep a watchful eye on your child. Teach your son or daughter to recognize when sexually inappropriate conduct is beginning to take place, and give specific instructions for what to do. Teach “body cues,” and rehearse what they mean. For example, where hands should go and not go. Teach your child to say “NO” and how to get away from someone with ill intent.
- Talk to your child about sexuality, at least on a basic level, taking special care to designate where and when those things are supposed to happen. Your child cannot adequately protect him/herself from predators if he or she has no idea what “sex” is. Most special needs children will accept your careful, direct explanation that “sex is for men and women who are married to each other.” Often children with special needs also require reminders about the kind of topics of discussion which are appropriate with friends and dates. For example, they should understand that blurting out sexual comments is not acceptable.
- Don’t restrict your child from dating once the above criteria have been met. If your son or daughter can demonstrate personal readiness, you know and trust the date, and the circumstances are safe and supervised, find the courage to let your child reach this milestone. A romantic friendship can be a healthy, wonderful thing for your son or daughter to experience, as long as safety issues are carefully addressed.
By the way…the kids in this photo look a bit too young to be dating, for my taste. Hmmmmmmmmmm.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.
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