Domestic and family violence is an act of abuse. It is a gendered crime, which means that many more men than women perpetrate the violence. It is an act of power designed to create fear in the victims and compliance with the perpetrators perceived power. Domestic and Family Violence is against the law.
The Cycle of Violence is a pattern of behaviour that occurs in many relationships: husband/wife, father/child, mother /child, friend/friend, employer and employee. The cycle follows a particular pattern and gets quicker in completion each time the cycle restarts. Whereas the cycle may take 12 months to first complete itself, each time it cycles, it gets quicker and quicker. Eventually the cycle can be occurring on a daily basis. When this happens, parts of the cycle begin to change or even drop out, so that the cycle can still produce its fear and power based outcomes. This is when women and children get killed.
Over the next week, we’re going to look at the seven distinct stages of the cycle in relation to blatant domestic violence between a husband and wife. Then we’ll look at how we unintentionally teach the cycle to our children.
Because domestic violence is a gendered crime, I’m going to use examples of a male perpetrator of violence. It’s important to understand that many women are also perpetrators of domestic violence. The reasons for their violence are somewhat different to men beating women but we’ll cover that in another blog.
The first stage of the Cycle of Violence: The Explosion
There’s a BIG fight. He threatens or hits her (sometimes repeatedly), breaks things, throws things, swears and tells her she’s useless. There’s much screaming and yelling. Mayhem and fear control the household. If there’s children of the relationship present they’re in the background usually doing one of two things – they’re terrified, clinging to each other screaming, “Daddy, Daddy, please don’t hurt my Mommy” or, they’re so used to the violence that they sit and play quietly with the occasional sideways glace to check what’s happening.
He looks around. “You’re all useless,” he mutters, “How’s a man supposed to live with you leaches of a family sucking off my good work.” He may restart his assault on the family or he may storm off leaving them to cope alone. Typically, an angry and violent man will seek out other likeminded people to reinforce his anger and to help keep the anger elevated. He might go to a bar or just abuse somebody on the street. He doesn’t need a reason. He’s feeling powerful and he intends to stay King of his Kingdom. If he’s gone to the bar, his hate talk may stir other men into agreeing with him, “Yeah, dumb women, they should know how to look after us.” It’s always the woman’s fault as far as he’s concerned. He refuses to take any responsibility for his abusive behavior. If she didn’t treat him so badly and hold him back, he would be President of the Company by now.
The family is at home, reeling in the wake of the explosion. Confused, scared, embarrassed, they don’t reach out for help. She questions what she’s done to upset him, why she did it when she knows how it makes him angry and feels responsible for not having looked after him better. She’ll do better next time, she won’t upset him. She is tired, so tired. She loves him but just wants the violence to end. Looking in the mirror, she sees the signs of assault on her body. Now what’s she going to do? Can’t go to work like this.
She will either make up a story to explain her injuries or ring work to tell them one of the children are unwell and she can’t come in. Then she waits, she thinks, she breaks her heart, and she waits.
Tomorrow we’ll look at the next stage of the Cycle of Violence: Remorse. For now though, if you recognise the above in your relationship, please know that it is against the law for your partner to do this to you. Help is available for you. Professional people understand the dynamic of domestic violence. They know it is not your fault, even if you did yell at him and start an explosion. Violence is never acceptable and he can control his behavior if he wants to. He will not change though until he’s ready to accept his bad behavior and recognise that he is hurting you all. You can’t help him and you are not responsible for his outbursts or his violence against you. Please, look up Domestic Violence in your telephone book and call someone. Have a confidential talk with them about what is happening. Get some support for yourself and your children.
Families.com is a safe and supportive forum for you to talk with other women and non-perpetrating men. Reach out. We care and we know it’s not your fault. The forums have a section under family challenges to discuss these issues. Visit us there.
If you’d like to have a read of a short story that I wrote about Domestic Violence, check it out on my journal.
If you’re eager to find out what the rest of the stages of the Cycle of Violence are then have a look at Anna Glendenning’s article. Heather Long has also listed some help numbers. Check her article out.
Domestic Violence is against the law. Domestic Violence kills.