Have you ever seen the movie How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days? If you haven’t, I recommend checking it out. First of all, it’s funny and secondly, there’s a message hidden away in there for those that pay attention. Online dating is a lot like this movie. Boy and girl meet in a bar and pick each other up. They both possess their own agendas and what they see in each other is the perfect opportunity to explore the possibilities.
After a fun evening together, they retire back to his place for a little while. They tease each other, but ultimately they part company without consummating or settling for a tumbled one-night stand. Both are pleased, because it’s gone so well. Now, as long as everything else goes according to their personal agendas it will be great. His agenda is to get her to fall in love. Her agenda is to drive him away.
Do we see the problem here?
So What Do We Know?
So let’s talk about the ten things you thought you knew when it comes to online dating and we’re taking a page out of our erstwhile star’s books. First things first, who initiates the contact? I mean, face it, they were both out trolling for someone to find so they could ‘pick’ them up or at least engage them in conversation. But who starts it? You’ve posted your profile and maybe you’ve put up a picture. You’ve scanned the ads and you’ve seen a few you liked too.
So the question is, what are you waiting for? If you’re waiting for one of those erstwhile parties to locate your profile and drop you a note, you may find that you’ve missed out on the opportunity and in turn, so will they! Many services require you to pay a subscription rate, so you may be seeing the profile of someone who can’t see yours! If you’re interested, open that dialogue up. Don’t react, act!
Now let’s hit play on the film again. Andie’s goal is to drive away the guy. She wants to do all the nutty things that make men want to be somewhere else. In truth, the things she does wouldn’t just drive away a guy, they’d drive away just about anyone. There are things you can do when you’re getting to know someone through email that would send prospective dates running for the hills.
Misleading Intentions
So how would I do that? I’d post a photo of myself from about ten years ago. I have one that I absolutely love because I look really good in this picture. I was dressed up, my make-up looked sharp and it’s the mental image of me that I like to carry around. It would likely earn me more interest from some people than a picture I take of me today when I’m ten years older and the wear and tear is starting to show. I’d put up that old picture and then I’d stuff some small fallacies in my profile.
Maybe I shouldn’t mention that the picture is an old one and that I’m really in my 30s and they’ll never really notice this extra twenty pounds I’m carrying around. I enjoy outdoor sports, for example. Sure I do. I think they’re great for other people, but I’m sure the hell not going to go out there and play touch football. It doesn’t really matter, does it? I mean any guy who just wants to date me for that little piece of information isn’t someone I’m going to be interested in anyway.
Do all those things matter? Only if you lie about them! We think one little falsehood isn’t a big deal, but remember, if you told a few falsehoods, who’s to say the gentleman or lady you are chatting up in email hasn’t told a few themselves? And is that really how you want to start that relationship off? With dishonesty? We’re not all Claudia Schiffer and we’re not all perfect. It’s our imperfections that make us unique. Fudge for dessert, not for your profile.
Introducing Yourself
So, you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve bitten the bullet and sent that first introductory email. It’s a nerve-wracking time because inside each and every one of us is a little candle that’s just waiting to flare happily at the response or gutter sputtering at not getting one. We try to be chatty, but not too chatty. We want to say things that are provocative and that invite a response, but when does provocative end and sexually overt begin? Now, that’s not to say that some sites don’t promote the sexual overtures, but a lot don’t. You need to dial down the sexual come-ons and innuendo. Introduce them to your mind and your personality. Sex appeal can come later.
I remember the first time I sat in an instant messaged conversation with a guy that I really liked. We’d hit it off when it came to discussing movies we really liked. As it turned out, we had a ton in common there. We’d been chatting for about thirty minutes and I brought up a movie called Tequila Sunrise – I liked that movie. I thought it was smart and well acted. He liked it because Michelle Pfeiffer was hot. I could agree with the sentiment, but then he went on at length about making out in a hot tub and how that turned him on.
It didn’t turn me on. In fact, it made me really uncomfortable. There’s sexual byplay and then there’s explicit. I wasn’t looking for what fantasies he wanted to share with me either in person or in a chat window. Which brings me to the next little slip of the tongue. After a couple of vague responses on my part, he said that was his problem with relationships. He wanted to be frank and sexual right from the start and apparently a lot of women couldn’t handle that.
I guess I shouldn’t have done it, but I asked what he meant by it. I should have heard the warning bells, because for the next hour all I heard about were the various women he’d met, both online and off, in previous years. I heard about their dysfunctions both personally and with the relationship. By the end of that hour, I was like “Woo, look at the time, gotta go!”
I logged off and that was the last time I talked to him. I made a point of not responding to his emails and just blocked his name so I wouldn’t have to chat with him again. So, we want to be honest, but a pedigree of relationships shouldn’t be first and foremost on the topic chat when getting to know someone. After all, in theory, they aren’t looking if they’re already in one and if they are, well – asking the marriage or relationship questions should hopefully settle that right off.
Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Questions
That’s another thing, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Because you don’t want to spend a few weeks chit-chatting about little things and find that you like the small chatter enough to warrant a meeting. The face-to-face meeting will influence everything you do. It’s just like the girl that has that office down the hall from you, you might chatter to her in the break room or say the occasional few words here and there, but if you don’t really know them, then you’d be in for a heck of a shock when you do take them out that first time.
There’s no timetable or set in stone book of things to say or do. There’s no requisite number of email exchanges you should share before you take on that first date. But don’t just leap at the first name that sends you an email and head out for drinks the next night. The online sites aren’t a little black book for after work cocktails. The trick for screening folks both through reading their profiles and exchanging emails allows you to invest a bit of confidence in that first meeting.
But bother, there’s a lot to do and to see and people to know. Give them and yourself the chance. There’s no rush, no biological imperative that says if we don’t do it now, it will never happen. Take the time to make it right. And remember:
- You can write that first email, don’t wait and hope because you might be doing so in vain
- Don’t list every bad relationship you’ve ever had.
- Don’t list every good relationship you’ve ever had.
- Don’t list every sexual position you want to try.
- Don’t lie. Don’t even fib. Remember, if you’re being dishonest, they might be too.
- Be honest. Show yourself for you and let those who really want to get to know you, do so.
- Be thorough. Don’t avoid the hard questions.
- Don’t rush.
- Remember there’s no time clock to punch and it’s not a race or a contest.
- Be yourself. That’s who we all want to be and that’s the person we all want to meet
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