Is there ever a wrong way to praise your son or daughter? Every child needs to hear that he or she is loved, appreciated, and good at something. Giving your child positive feedback can build confidence, self-esteem, and create an ongoing desire to keep trying. However, if you’re not careful, your compliments can have the opposite result. Praise requires balance to be effective. Here are three “don’ts” when it comes to praising your child:
- Don’t use the same phrase over and over again. Saying “Good girl,” repeatedly sounds like training language for a dog. Even “good job,” “awesome,” or “wow” can start to become meaningless if they’re used all the time. And those words don’t tell the child what he’s actually doing well. It would be better to make a specific comment about what you observe: “I like the colors you chose for the flowers,” or “You caught that ball three times!” If you’re using simplified language to help your child understand, you can still be on point. “Good colors!” “Nice catch!”
- Don’t give praise when your child is behaving inappropriately. You don’t? What about refusing to make your child face the music for bad behavior because “he can’t help it?” What about taking your child’s side in a school discipline issue without investigating the matter? What about offering up guilt-induced compliments as your child sits on the naughty stool? What about hugging and cuddling your child who is throwing a vicious tantrum? You might not consider these examples of praise, but they are ways of giving your child undeserved credit, or helping him escape consequences. Neither will help your child become a responsible or considerate individual.
- Don’t pour it on too thick. Special needs children hold a very tender place in our hearts, and as they struggle to achieve what would be ordinary tasks for the rest of the world, we naturally want to pile on the compliments and cheers. This is certainly understandable. However, don’t go overboard. Excessive compliments can become patronizing. They can make your child feel uncomfortable, especially if it’s done in front of others and your child recognizes that nobody else is getting that much verbal applause. Exaggerated praise can make your son or daughter feel babied, and therefore less capable and independent. And it can cause peers to disconnect.
Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D., in his book, “In Their Own Way,” describes a situation where a teacher noticed the special artistic talent of one of her students and began to display numerous pieces of his artwork around the room. Since particular special attention was paid and lavish praise was given, other children in the class began calling the artwork “sissy,” and rejected the boy’s friendship. Because of this, he stopped drawing and painting altogether. He wanted his talent to be appreciated, but didn’t want to be set apart needlessly from his classmates.
Even children with developmental delays can recognize when they’re being fawned over. And they also can spot an insincere new communication “technique” being used by a parent. Keep your praise simple, on-point, and genuine. Sincere words of encouragement given by a parent can transform a child’s life. One of the most important things we can do for our children is let them know that despite their challenges and trials, we believe in them.
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.
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