The two situations I wrote about yesterday started me thinking and I suspect I’ve also been guilty in the past of shutting people down with my answers.
So, here are a couple of guidelines for initiating conversations
1. Don’t ask people – ‘What do you do?’
Even though experts say this is a good question, I disagree. It sounds to me too much like pigeonholing and tacking a label on. This question was one that used to make me run for cover when I was a stay-at-home Mom. It made me feel in the eyes of professional men and women that choosing to stay home with my kids was worthless, even though deep down I believed it was right for me and for our family and was what God was calling me to do.
The same question made me cringe even after I started to write because I knew the next one was, ‘Have you had a book published.’ In the eyes of the world poems or articles didn’t count. And then finally I had a book published and it was ‘What is it called? What name do you publish under?’ This implied ‘I’ve never heard of you.’ I’d rather talk about anything else other than writing, unless I’m running a writing workshop.
2. Instead I usually ask, – ‘What you do with your week?’ Or, ‘What things are you interested in?’
3. If you are at a party you might ask, ‘How do you know the host or hostess?’
4. If you are at church you could make a comment about the sermon- something you found helpful or hadn’t thought of before and see if that gets a response.
Asking someone if they are new to the area when they turn up at church can be a problem if they’ve lived in the area for years but only just fronted up to church. Or worse still, if they’ve been coming to the church for a long time and you haven’t noticed them.
5. ‘Where do you live?’ This is a common question where we live, followed by –‘Where did you move from? How long have you been down here?’
Take note of the way questions are answered and accompanying body language. Folded arms, glazed looks, looking around for escape are a dead give away. Don’t ignore the signs. If a person doesn’t seem to want to pursue that topic then find another. Can you offer any other suggestions?
It’s not always easy putting ourselves out of our comfort zones to talk to others, especially if we are shy ourselves, but it is part of making people feel welcome and therefore I believe what Jesus would have us do. Most importantly listen to what the other person tells you. A good listener is invaluable.
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