Is it fair to ask someone to make a choice? Is it fair to say, if you’re committed to me, you can’t maintain your relationship with the someone else? The answer to this question is not as simple as it may seem. When you make the decision to commit to a relationship, you cannot keep your toe in the water of another relationship because you are still nursing feelings for your ex.
So if the person you are involved with wants that commitment, but you are not ready to make it – then it’s time for the two of you to talk. You need to figure out why you are not ready to make that commitment. You need to know if the reason you cannot commit to the relationship is because somewhere inside you still long for the previous relationship. Perhaps you have not mourned the loss of the previous relationship adequately enough. Perhaps you have not accepted the ending as well as you should.
It’s unfair to the person you are currently involved with to keep them dangling or to give them a commitment you are not truly prepared to offer. You need to be honest with them and with yourself. It’s not about keeping a spare out there in case your current relationship doesn’t work out – the simple truth is – if you are not committed to making a relationship work, chances are you are setting it up for failure.
Your Ex is an Ex
I know many couples who have managed to maintain a friendship with an individual they were previously involved with. I know many people who build relationships on a foundation of friendship and when their romantic relationship ends, the friendship remains. These are not the relationships I am referring to. You cannot maintain a romantic relationship with two individuals and expect one or the other to accept it wholeheartedly.
So if you are being asked for a commitment and you are not ready to give it – be honest about that. Explain that you are still coming to terms with the end of the previous relationship. You need time to make the decision, but making a commitment is never an easy decision and honestly – it shouldn’t be. When we commit ourselves to a relationship, we are saying – we’re in – we’re all in and we’re not holding back any part of ourselves. We are not compartmentalizing the relationship and we’re here good, bad or indifferent.
If you are not ready for this – be honest about it and don’t lead the other person on. Chances are they are going to be more willing to work with you and support you if you are honest about your feelings than they will be if you keep them dangling on the end of a string.
Have you ever had trouble saying farewell to a previous romantic relationship?
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