The most prevalent problem in marriage is lack of communication. Often after the first few years of marriage we tend to settle down into a routine, and the result is that we have discussions less often with our spouse. We tend to talk about “housekeeping topics” instead; who will pick up the kids, what to get on the way home for dinner, when the next bill is due. The result is often a breakdown in communication which leads to silence or defensiveness.
If you are finding that the communication in your marriage is slipping to the point where you find it hard to even start a conversation, then it’s time to seek help.
Couples therapy is expensive, and probably more intense than you need. I would choose expensive therapy as a last resort; there are several options you have that are less intrusive.
A popular alternative is using a mediator, and mediation practices are popping up all over America. This less expensive form of “therapy” works with a mediator sitting in during a discussion in order to help keep the conversation on track. Often we don’t know what to say or how we are really feeling, and these people are trained to recognize blocks to effective communication such as body language and voice pitch-the silent factors involved with the inability to communicate. More often than not, there’s a deeper problem other than you feel your spouse isn’t listening, or the other spouse feels as though they’re being ignored. Mediators can ask leading questions, geared toward drawing out real feelings and subsequently restoring intimacy to the marriage.
Mediators are not to be confused with dispute resolution centers, which are mediators used for business communication gone wrong, or as a first alternative to civil suites. While dispute resolution centers use mediators, they are for business contracts, not a couples communication problems.
Another alternative is the head of your church. Priests and other clergymen usually take some type of couple’s mediation classes for use in counseling young people who wish to marry, often your church will provide some type of bible study or encounter sessions for couples with communication issues free of charge.
Whatever you do, don’t try to pull a mutual friend into the problem. Asking your friend what they think in front of your husband or wife is just asking for trouble, and it’s not fair to your friend. If you continue to pull them into your marital problems, they will begin to distance themselves from you and your spouse and you’ve probably lost a good friend. You can discuss your own personal feelings with your friends-that’s what friends are for, right? But it’s unfair to ask them to take sides or gossip. You also shouldn’t speak poorly of your spouse to them; it’s a form of gossip and will only end up hurting you and/or your friendship, especially if your friend feels as if it’s their duty to say something to your spouse.
Usually any type of counseling is used as a last resort, it is probably better that the two of you visit someone sooner than later, before the situation escalates.