We know this, right? We parents know how it makes us feel when someone shakes their head at us and tells us “I told you so! I told you that would happen! Why didn’t you just listen to me? I tried to warn you.” We know intellectually that this isn’t a good technique, but it can be so hard to stop ourselves as parents. We also want our children to respect our authority and listen to us the NEXT time we try to give them advance warning. Sometimes that “I told you so” slips out before we can stop it.
Unfortunately that “I told you so” does just the opposite of what we think it will do. Instead of making our child more likely to listen to us–it actually creates a rift and inhibits trust and communication. The message our children hear is that we are neither compassionate or understanding and it can even be heard as an “I’m glad you failed (or got hurt or whatever) so that I could be right.” Of course, this isn’t really what we are thinking, but when we say “I told you so” that is what our children hear us say.
Instead of “I told you so,” consider a more compassionate and empathetic thing to say. Even saying a heartfelt, “ I was afraid that might happen” can come across better to children than “I told you so.” Trust that your child knows that you warned them and knows how you felt about their decision and doesn’t need to be reminded. As parents we can learn how to allow our children the consequences of their choices and decisions without having to add insult to injury with the “I told you so.” Just remind yourself how you feel when someone says it to you!
Also: Is There Really a “SHOULD” Here?
Thinking Like a Parent, but with Empathy for the Child