Welcoming Baby #2 is the first in a series on coping with sibling issues and a new baby. All next week, we’ll be talking about helping you and your children cope with the new arrival and how to avoid favorites and much, much more.
Having a second child opens up a whole new chapter in the life of a family. For parents, this means that not only do you have to adapt to having a baby in the house again, you have to get their older sibling ready to handle having baby there too.
Your older child will likely have a lot of questions about the new arrival and you shouldn’t brush off their questions. A lot of people talk about a good ‘age spread’ between siblings but whether your children are two years or five years apart in age, you are going to have to cope with introducing your formerly only child to the competition.
And yes, the new baby is competition and it’s your job to make sure your older child does not have to compete in that competition. Always start off on the right foot, for example, don’t wait until you bring the baby home to get the child used to the idea of the new baby. When your current child is only a toddler, this can be harder to do than with an older child, but do your best to make them aware of the new baby’s impending arrival.
The awareness can go a long way towards preparing them for the physical realities when the new baby gets there. You might want to introduce them to friends or family members with small babies so they can get an idea of what a new baby is like.
Never tell your older child they are getting a new playmate. Babies are not new toys. Trust me, no matter how enthusiastic your child is – they will figure that out very quickly when the baby arrives. Don’t force the baby on them. Some kids are pretty apathetic where newborns are concerned. To be honest, newborns are pretty boring. They eat, they sleep, they cry and they make a mess in their diapers. They don’t do interesting things. In fact, the most interesting thing they do in those first few weeks is sleep. Your older child is going to appreciate the sleeping cycles as much as you are.
Make your older child a part of the decision-making with the new baby. Have them help you decorate the nursery or buy a special toy. Read to them about being an older brother or an older sister. Get them a special shirt in honor of the occasion or a special present. Remind the rest of your family to not forget about your older child in their mad dash to coo over the new baby.
Remember the scene from Stuart Little when all the Littles come to greet Stuart and they leave George feeling horribly left out and abandoned? It doesn’t take much to do that to an older sibling, especially as they see all the attention that used to be theirs alone heaped onto the new baby. With this in mind, start setting aside a special night or a special day that you and your older child does something together without the baby.
It’s important that all members of the family make sure they do this, from parents to grandparents to aunts and uncles. Reminding your older child how valuable and loved they are reassures them. Don’t be offended if your son or daughter asks if you still love them when the new baby comes. They are very serious and they very much need to be reminded that they are important.
Many hospitals offer sibling classes; see if you can attend some with your older child to help prepare both of you. Be honest with your child about the difficulties the baby is going to present. Talk to them about lack of sleep and how much work it will be. Show them that while it will be tough, you can work together to ease the transition.
When older siblings are involved, it can help minimize resentment. But don’t dismiss them and don’t discount their feelings, you may be exhausted from wrestling with the baby all day, but find the energy to sit down with your older child when they come home from school or play dates and find out how their day went.
Remember the first few months are the hardest with baby, but that gets better for you and your children.