Do you know someone who is suffering from the “black dog,” as Winston Churchill once called it? Have you had trouble knowing just what to say to them? Do you secretly think they should just “get on with it” and “get over it?”
When faced with people suffering from conditions about which we may have little personal experience, we often struggle to know what to say. But depression is such a commonplace illness, and is rapidly on the increase, that chances are you will suffer from it at some stage in your life or have a close relationship with someone who does.
So, what to say? Well, we’ll start with a list of what not to say. And this list, which is far from exhaustive, comes from real life therapy experience.
“Why don’t you just wake up to yourself?”
“Why don’t you wash your car today?”
“Your husband should leave you because of this.”
“Nobody likes people with depression.”
“Why don’t you think about people who are REALLY ill?”
“You’ve got a nice family, good job, nice kids. What are you depressed about?”
“Why don’t you just go on a holiday?”
None of these remarks are helpful statements and, not surprisingly, they leave the sufferer feeling even more depressed. Depression is a real and tangible illness and to either actually or metaphorically tell a sufferer to “pull their socks up” is not only an insult but it clearly displays the speaker’s own ignorance of the illness.
The person suffering from depression lives it, breathes it, and must deal with it each and every day during the course of the illness. It is extremely painful and diminishes life quality enormously. If the sufferer could simply “pull their socks up,” they most certainly would. No one would choose to suffer from clinical depression. And the climb out of major depression is a long, slow one and certainly does not need to be punctuated with statements such as those listed above.
To give real, useful help to a person suffering from depression, get educated. Read up on the symptoms of depression. There are several articles on this blog site which will fill you in with general symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment of depression.
Ask your friend to explain exactly how they are feeling. Often you will hear generalized statements like “everything is wrong in my life.” Fight the urge to contradict them, because that is how they are feeling at the moment. Let them express how they are feeling. Later on you can gently alert them to the things that they already know; that they have a friend in you, that they have a roof over their head, that they can look up and see the sky and the clouds and enjoy them.
People can and do recover from depression, in spite of some of the inappropriate statements made to them during their illness. However, the journey can be made that much easier via friends who take the time to understand, listen, and provide positive support.
Contact Beth McHugh for further information or assistance regarding this issue.