I hate that question. Hate may sound like a strong word, but honestly – I do hate it. I hate that word and I hate what it intimates in a relationship and I hate that there are definitely times when I find myself thinking it as well. What have you done for me lately? is a judgmental question designed to weigh the activities of your spouse and anyone else you are thinking of and assigning a value system to it.
If your spouse took out the trash, for example, that might be worth two points, but if they went out at 9:30 because you craved some ice cream – that’s going to be worth 20 points. It’s about fulfilling our personal desires and whims and is absolutely subjective and doesn’t take into account intentions, good feelings or your spouse’s needs.
It’s a comparison and contrast chart that says, what have you done for me lately? in order to weigh whether you should wade into it and do something for them. It’s a terrible question and it’s a terrible way to get into whether you want to do something for your spouse because you’re judging whether they have done something for you — can you see how problematic this is going to be?
Don’t Ask the Question
That’s the solution to this problem. You don’t ask the question. In fact, you get away from the question entirely because it’s not productive and it’s not conducive to positive relations between you and your spouse. You don’t do things for your spouse because they did something for you first. You don’t scratch their back because they scratched yours. You don’t weigh your own contributions against your spouse’s contributions.
You don’t ask the question.
How do you avoid asking the question to yourself?
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