What If My Spouse Doesn’t Find Me Attractive?

I have seen a lot of posts about this on the forums recently and I’ve wondered about this myself. After all, our personal body image affects how we perceive other people’s reactions to us. It’s harder when a husband or wife tells us flat out that we are not attractive.

So my first question in this scenario is ‘why not?’ What is about them or me that they or I do not find attractive? Is it physically based? Does weight play a factor into it? Is it appearance, how they dress? Facial hair? How they style their hair? What is it that makes one person attractive and another person not?

For me, attractiveness isn’t a physical thing. My husband is a good-looking man. I’m the first to say so – but even when he had issues with weight – issues that really disturbed him; they didn’t bother me. Physical attractiveness is too surface based and I’ve known way too many pretty people who were absolute jerks.

Personality makes a person attractive. The first time my husband mentioned that he didn’t find me attractive anymore – it wasn’t a comment on my physical being. I know, because I asked what was wrong.

He pointed out that I never seemed to smile anymore. I disputed that – immediately. Of course, I smiled. He told me that I didn’t. He never really saw me smile. The only person who ever seemed to earn a smile from me was our daughter. Still, I thought he was exaggerating. We agreed to write down a time for each time I smiled at him for the next couple of days.

Imagine my surprise when it numbered less than twice and I was aware of what we were doing. That gave me a great deal of pause. I wasn’t smiling because I was always preoccupied – work, responsibilities, house hold issues and a part of me honestly believed that because he’s my husband – I didn’t need to put a false face on it.

Smiling isn’t putting a false face on it. Never smiling actually communicates the wrong message altogether. I smile a lot more now – even when other things are bothering me. Smiling helps both of us and the reason he didn’t find me attractive is gone now. But the problem wasn’t whether we were attractive or not – the problem was in the smile.

Have you ever wondered what it is about you that attracted your spouse in the first place? As it turns out – now I know.

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About Heather Long

Heather Long is 35 years old and currently lives in Wylie, Texas. She has been a freelance writer for six years. Her husband and she met while working together at America Online over ten years ago. They have a beautiful daughter who just turned five years old. She is learning to read and preparing for kindergarten in the fall. An author of more than 300 articles and 500+ web copy pieces, Heather has also written three books as a ghostwriter. Empty Canoe Publishing accepted a novel of her own. A former horse breeder, Heather used to get most of her exercise outside. In late 2004, early 2005 Heather started studying fitness full time in order to get herself back into shape. Heather worked with a personal trainer for six months and works out regularly. She enjoys shaking up her routine and checking out new exercises. Her current favorites are the treadmill (she walks up to 90 minutes daily) and doing yoga for stretching. She also performs strength training two to three times a week. Her goals include performing in a marathon such as the Walk for Breast Cancer Awareness or Team in Training for Lymphoma research. She enjoys sharing her knowledge and experience through the fitness and marriage blogs.