No matter how much we read about adoption, there is a tremendous tendency to believe that your own kids are not getting questions or comments about race or adoption. The last few blogs have talked about helping to avoid stereotypes in children by having diverse books, dolls, and posters in their environment, and by specific actions and discussions to help kids develop empathy and learn about the contributions people of various races have made and are making to our society. Now I will mention some suggestions for a time when a child actually says or hears a racist comment or incident. I hope some of you will share your ideas as well.
The website of the Public Broadcasting System suggests this “template” for a response a caregiver, teacher or parent can give if they hear a young child aim a hurtful slur at another:
“It’s not okay to say that to Tessa. It hurts people’s feelings. I care about you both and I won’t let you hurt each other.” The give the child positive words to use. “Tessa is African-American.”
PBS then suggests the next step of the response, turning the caregiver’s attention to the victim. Children often act out for attention. You do not want to reward this by paying more attention to the perpetrator than you do to the victim.
(I think this step is often forgotten in our anxiety over dealing with the offender and trying to prevent it from happening again. I still remember the bewildered look on my child’s face when a child who hit him was immediately hoisted onto the teacher’s lap (for a stern talking-to, yes, but you could see in his eyes that my son was thinking, “I just got hit, and he’s the one sitting on her lap?” I worry that this will lead children to think, “ I guess he’s going to be the favorite and I’ll just have to watch it from now on.”)
PBS’ suggestion for the caregiver’s response to the targeted child is to tell the child that it’s okay to feel angry or upset, but can the child express that in an effective, non-hurtful manner?
The website doesn’t expand on what an “effective, non-hurtful manner” is, and I think that response could be very different for different children. Some children may want to be give the words to tell the bullying child, “That is not a nice to call someone. I’m glad to be African-American and I don’t want to play with you when you use those mean words.” Other children may want to draw their feelings in a picture or just pound some clay or run a lap around the playground to discharge some of the energy.
While the site doesn’t elaborate on what to say to an older child, I believe you should give a consequence to a child who knows it’s wrong—even the first time. Whether that consequence is a visit to the principal, detention, spending lunch period eating with the teachers instead of peers, or doing extra work, will depend on the school. I believe deliberate racial slurs are a serious offense. You have to immediately make clear that that language will not be tolerated.
I believe the following suggestions from the site are applicable to all ages:
-Remember what you do is as important as what you say.
– Make it a firm rule that a person’s appearance is never an acceptable reason for teasing or rejecting them. Immediately step in if you hear a child do it.
. Give children tools to confront those who act biased against them.
– Use accurate and fair images in contrast to stereotypes, and encourage children to talk about the differences. Help them to think critically about what they see in books, movies, greeting cards, comics, and on TV.
– Let children know that unjust things can be changed. Encourage children to challenge bias, and involve children in taking action on issues relevant to their lives.
Please see these related blogs:
Book Review: The Christmas Menorahs: How a Town Fought Hate
Book Review: Inside Transracial Adoption