I tried to come up with a swanky, mellow title for this article but I decided to just come right out and say it instead—defensiveness is not solely an issue for single parents, but we can have a tendency to feel like we have a lot to protect. Instead of being open to ideas and suggestions from others, or even entertain other people’s point of view—we might react with defensiveness if we feel like it is critical of our lives, choices, and families. Working on being less defensive can help us move on from tough times, and also heal from past relationships and become more open and communicative with our children and others.
In the first year or two surrounding my divorce, I was actually quite rigid and defensive. I didn’t realize it at the time, I just thought I was being careful and choosey about who I listened to and who I let into the “inner sphere” of my life. I think this can be quite common. We don’t want to hear other people’s criticism and we are feeling shaky and insecure enough without having other people tell us what they think of our situation. I know that I was overly sensitive and it didn’t take much for me to get defensive.
Learning how to be less defensive took both time and work. Over time, I just started to feel more comfortable in my new family arrangement and in my role as a single mother. My social life and my personal world changed as well so I knew that I had some supportive and understanding people around me. Of course, there were also plenty of people who wanted to share what they thought was right and best, but I didn’t take it so personally since the pain and insecurity were not so raw. But, I also had to practice breathing, boundaries, not taking on other people’s opinions or ideas, and allowing for differences. In my parenting, my growing comfort and security made it possible for me to not take my children’s comments and actions so defensively either.
The truth is, we live in a world where there are all sorts of opinions, philosophies, and ideas flying around us—getting comfortable and secure in who we are, what we believe, and how we want to live our lives will help us to not feel defensive when we are exposed to all those differing opinions and attitudes.
Also: Expressing Anger Can Help You Move On