Oh the joys of raising a young toddler who has recently discovered her desire for independence. She answers every question with a firm, “no.” She purposely gets into things she knows she should not get into (and occasionally you may even hear her telling herself “no” before she does it). She gets mad at her toys, at you, and at nothing. She expresses her anger by flailing herself to the floor, sometimes hurting herself in the process, and often causing a scene. She’ll try to bite, scratch, kick and hit, which is bewildering to the mother who wonders where she learned such a thing (I’m certain violence is programmed in there somewhere considering how hard my son kicked when I was pregnant). And yet, when the tantrum is over, she can be the sweetest, most well behaved child, completely winning you over again in the process.
Dealing with a toddler’s tantrums takes a great deal of patience and there are so many methods out there that someone claims is the only way. While the techniques for dealing with tantrums are many and diverse, the key to handling tantrums is prevention and it starts way before the kicking and screaming does.
Often times the source of a tantrum has to do with what your toddler is getting away with when you are not looking. Then when you do notice and stop the behavior, your toddler is angry because she is thinking, “I did this before, why can’t I do it again?” Parents often loosen up when their baby starts walking and talking, naturally assuming that with physical independence should come a little parental independence. This could not be more false! Trust me when I say that your toddler does not have one ounce of common sense and is completely ruled by impulsive curiosity. If you do not have your eye on her at all times, chances are she is learning new habits and behaviors around the corner that you may or may not approve of. For example, she might be in her room playing and discover that it is fun to push her play chair to the wall and stand on it to reach the light switch. Of course she will scream when you stop her from doing this with the dining room chairs in your kitchen! Kids will rarely be so bold or skilled to do something “daring” for the first time in front of their parents. If she climbs up that chair like a monkey in the blink of an eye, chances are she has been practicing.
Obviously the other kind of tantrum arises when your toddler wants something and you will not let her have it. She might decided she wants to play with a fragile item or she wants a third cookie. These tantrums are harder to prevent. There are two things you can do, however. First of all, make sure your toddler is well rested, fed, and that you are giving her plenty of attention. When these basic needs are met, she is better able to handle the “stress” of not getting her way. Any parent will tell you that a tired, hungry, and/or bored toddler is almost impossible to please. The second way to help prevent these tantrums is to explain the rules before you enact them. Let’s say she is always demanding that third cookie. Before she ever touches the first, tell her and show her that you will give her only two cookies. When you give her the second cookie, tell her it is her last. After she is done with the second, tell her that she is “all done” in a happy voice and immediately remove her from the table and move onto another activity. Offer a drink during the transition as well.
Remember that temper tantrums are a normal stage in development for toddlers, so do not feel guilty when your child throws a fit. Stay calm and be very consistent with how you handle the tantrums that do occur. Never be afraid to ask for help from a family member or friend if you need to take a break. My husband will routinely allow me to take a break by completely taking over our son’s care for an hour or two so I can regroup after a particularly stressful afternoon. It makes a world of a difference!
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