I tend to write about my personal “boundary” philosophies when it comes to parenting now and again. The reality is that I find this subject comes up again and again when I am talking with friends. They may not realize that their “problem” with their kids is really about setting boundaries—but it often is. And, it doesn’t stop when kids grow up and move out—in fact I have found with my friends with older kids (in their 20’s and 30’s)—the boundary issues can be even stronger and more of a struggle! As usual, I want to clarify that I am NOT an expert, but I have plenty of anecdotal experience and have developed a few opinions!
With older kids—teenagers and young adults—we are in a tough situation as parents. It still feels as if they are our babies and they often turn to us to bail them out or to tell us about their personal problems. We then get all wrapped up and enmeshed and start offering advice or stepping in to rescue them. Then we get upset or hurt when they either go their own way anyway, or do not take our advice.
I think it helps with older kids to ask ourselves if we really should be or get involved in the first place. I know this is a hard one. We want our children to tell us things and turn to us in times of trouble. But, should we really step in or should we be compassionate, loving, and detached? I find that detaching with love and compassion can often be one of the best things we do for those old teenagers and young adults. I am not talking about abandoning our children to the wolves here, but more of remaining on board as a guide, cheerleader and support and not stepping in to get deeply involved.
Beware of feeling responsible for your older child’s actions and choices. I KNOW for a fact this is tough for many of us—we feel like we are a “bad” parent because our child has made a poor choice or is acting icky. The fact is, life is a process and there are some lessons that take a lifetime to learn (or at least longer than those first 18 years). We can only do our best as parents and then we have to realize that they are going to have to take responsibility for their own actions, behaviors, and personal growth at some point. It is NOT our fault or our problem to fix if we have done our best in raising them. The healthy thing for us as parents to do is to love and care for them, but not “take care” of them as they move into adulthood.
Also: Setting Boundaries in the Face of Opposition
Different Ideas About Boundaries