Personal expression is one of the cornerstones of good communication. In order for our children to develop strong self-esteem, be able to advocate for themselves ,and have healthy relationships with other people, they need to learn that expressing how they feel is allowed and encouraged. As parents, we are challenged with not only helping our children develop good communication skills, but also creating an environment where our children can say and express how they feel–NO MATTER WHAT…
Most of us grew up in families where certain behaviors were tolerated and welcome and others were not. Teaching our kids to feel, own and express their feelings and emotions might be tough for us because we’re still learning how to do it ourselves. If you grew up in an alcoholic or addictive home, or one where chronic physical and mental illness were the norm, you may have an even harder time getting to the “reality” of your own feelings, let alone knowing what to do with your child’s!
It helps if you are able to figure out what your difficulties and triggers are so you can work on it and recognize when it comes up in your parenting. For example, if you were taught that good, nice people don’t get angry or yell, it might be really uncomfortable for you when your child expresses anger and your first instinct may be to pass on the lessons about repressing anger that you absorbed as a kid. But, by knowing this is a trigger for you, you can acknowledge it and work through it–giving your own child the benefit of being able to feel his feelings fully, and express them as well.
I don’t always want to hear what my kids have to say. And, as teenagers, often their snarky behavior and rude comments are downright abusive. I’ve learned that I can set boundaries around what I can and can’t tolerate without curbing their ability to express themselves. Helping our children develop healthy and appropriate ways of expressing themselves is part of the challenge of parenting. Just because they have strong feelings, doesn’t mean that expressing them in any and every way is appropriate. For me, it helps to keep in mind that my goal is to help my kids develop into as well-adjusted human beings as possible and be able to communicate with a variety of individuals in every imaginable situation. This means that I have to work on continuing to develop my own abilities to express and tolerate feelings–no matter how ugly, silly, or undesirable they may be.
See Also: Letting Our Children Be Different From Us and Being on Call and Ready to Listen