If you’re interested in feeling completely useless, Dad-to-be, get excited about labor. My wife recently gave birth to our first child (a boy to make a father proud) and I must say that I felt entirely useless. Even before he was born I had asked the midwife if she would obtain some hot water for me to make some tea because I was so exhausted I was falling asleep.
Wait a minute (Finger wagging!) you didn’t DO ANYTHING! Your wife was in labor, in real pain, doing real work. Well, that’s true. My wife was in pain for a number of hours culminating in the bloody birth of a baby boy. But let me tell you that labor is no easy task for Dads. I’ve created a quick checklist for fathers that should gauge how painful labor should be for the dad.
1)Do you love your wife? An answer of “yes” in this column will certainly spell serious mental anguish for Dad.
2)Are you frustrated when there is a problem and you can’t fix it? Another “yes” in this column secures your fate, Dad. Labor will be (mentally) painful for you.
If this seems like a bunch of nonsense please hear me out. Dad has to watch the woman he loves (his wife) go through hours of (sometimes more than a day) of physically devastating pain ending with blood, maybe skin being torn, perhaps even stitches, and weeks of recovery. Add to that the fact that your wife’s pain will quite possibly be vocalized for hours on end and you have a particular brand of hell for Dad. With the last component being that Dad can’t do anything about any of this we have created a situation which is really hard to imagine but is certainly what I experienced.
My wife and I had packed a bag of dry and chilled food items for the labor, but my wife was in too much pain to simply be “snacking” on anything. Eating was a deliberate choice she made to keep strength up and dehydration in check, not something to help ease pain or pass the time. Well, Dad, you’re going to get hungry, and if you answered yes to the questions above you’ll probably not feel like “snacking” either. I certainly didn’t. Remember that cup of tea I asked the midwife for… I wanted it about four hours before I got it: I felt bad asking for something that would even appear to make me happy.
There’s no way to tell how Mom will be during labor so there’s no way to ask her before hand, “Honey, is it okay if I bring the chips and the beer and a mini-TV to the labor?” What I learned from the experience (and this may just be my wife) was that if she doesn’t like something she’ll tell you… either verbally or non-verbally (push you away, wave you off, etc…) and it will be concise and quick. If you’re attuned to her concerns and needs she’ll love you for it and not be angry that you’re too close or too far or too hot or too cold or too this or not enough of that. She’ll simply accept what she likes, quickly reject what she doesn’t, and go on with the awesome process of giving birth.
For other Dads out there: What has your labor experience been like? If you have more than one child is each labor similar or drastically different? How do you cope?