I have probably had to over-compensate in the boundary department with my “side” of a post-divorce family due to very different ideas about such things with my children’s father. Believe it or not, I have only been inside his house once and I am constantly having to remind him that he cannot come in my house when I’m not home. And, we have been divorced for YEARS…
The other day, my kids were sharing with me how at the other house, they “joke” about my strong boundaries. I think they said that folks over there actually say “boundaries! Boundaries!” in reference to my having worked so hard over the years to establish them. I can have a sense of humor about myself, but I don’t feel the slightest bit sorry over how hard I work to keep some healthy boundaries between individuals, houses, etc.
I think it is very common for different adult and ex-spouses to have different ideas about healthy boundaries. It becomes another one of those areas that need to be negotiated. I do not, however, think that we have to let our children’s other parent have access to our personal information (finances, personal life, etc.), nor do we have to let them use our stuff, come in our homes without being invited, etc. It can take some time to renegotiate these boundaries with someone you are used to sharing everything with–but keep in mind that you no longer share the same home or possessions–even if you do share custody or parenting of the same children. It might help to separate out issues that have to do with the children and those that do not and start by working on boundaries with the non-child issues first. These might be less confusing.
I do expect that differences will exist–after all, if we got along so well we probably would NOT be single parents, right? However, we shouldn’t have to apologize about our boundaries–whether they are more rigid or more lax–but we do have to take the other person’s and the best interest of our children into consideration too.
Also: Resolving Legal Issues Can Take Time
Negotiating With the Ex–It May Take a Few Meetings for the Tough Decisions