Related articles:
Emotional Intelligence and Clear Communication;
Dealing with a Passive Aggressive-Manipulator;
The Cycle of Violence: Part 7, Stand Over.
Anger is natural and normal. Just like any other emotion, we have the innate ability to feel angry and the right to let others know what we are feeling. However, often the behaviors that we display when we are angry are the problem. The behaviors we display are not our emotion – they are our behaviors
Just as children get angry and throw a tantrum, so too do us parents. These tantrums are unacceptable and let other big people know that we adults are immature and unable to manage our emotions. Our tantrums also tell our children that this is the correct way to express anger. Anger is a feeling; a tantrum is a behavior. BIG difference. Bad behavior is never acceptable. Anger is natural, normal, and handled correctly, a healthy expression of our emotional self.
Anger is a secondary emotion. This means that every time anger surfaces in us, there are primary emotions pushing it up. Our society has tricked us into thinking that when something happens, we must react instantly. If you were to switch the light switch on, what is the first thing that happens? Yes of course, the light comes on. WRONG. The light being switched triggers a series of messages that are carried along the wires to tell the light to switch on. It happens so quickly that we assume it is an instantaneous reaction. Because it is instantaneous, we accept is as normal.
Anger is similar to this. Somebody is rude to us and we fire up, immediately. Every time anger surfaces, there is a whole group of primary messages (emotions) pushing the anger up. The trick to stopping the anger from turning into a tertiary, explosive, display of inappropriate behavior is to identify the primary emotions underneath and to give them an assertive (never aggressive) voice. By letting off the steam, you will prevent an immature display reminiscent of two-year-old tantrums.
Imagine a volcano. The plates rub together deep below the earth’s crust. This primary phase of friction creates a swirling, growling mass of liquid gas and molten rock; lava. The force of the swirling pushes the gasses up and up, until the outer edges begin to solidify and poke out above the water line (secondary phase of the volcano). A mountain forms, and in the middle of the mountain is the lava, just waiting to explode. When, and if, the lava does spew out, the volcano has reached its tertiary phase. Scientists work hard to prevent the explosion but often it is too late and the results are devastating.
Far too often, our anger is like a volcano. The primary phase is the underlying emotions pushing our anger upward, the secondary phase is the anger that can clearly be seen in our body and faces, the tertiary phase is the behavioral explosion that wreaks havoc and creates fear. Its bitterness spews from our mouths, or hands, and leaves us feeling drained, sorry and embarrassed, once we have exploded.
If you’re over the age of primary school, it’s time to take stock, to stop throwing tantrums, and to clearly articulate the primary emotions pushing up your anger so that you prevent a behavioral, and inappropriate, explosion.
To identify the primary emotions pushing up your anger, you need to have a range of feeling words to describe what’s happening deep inside you and to give your primary emotions an assertive and clear voice. For a chart of different feeling faces to print out for a great learning activity, click here. These faces are a great tool for developing emotional intelligence in our children, and in us.
Once you have a range of feeling words to match the emotions that are pushing your anger up, you can use the formula for clear communication to cut through the inappropriate tertiary displays of tantrum throwing that teach our children that behavioral explosions equal anger. You may remember from a previous blog on emotional intelligence that the formula for clear communication is: I feel…, when you…, because…
Practice is the key to appropriately displaying your anger. Anger is NORMAL, acceptable and something that every parent feels. Taking your anger out on your child is tertiary, inappropriate and childish. Give your anger a clear and assertive voice, not a behavior, so that it cuts through the potential for explosion. Go on…I dare you to be a grown up!
Want some emotiocons to help describe your emotional reactions, or even two super cool “Happy” cards to download and play with? They’re FREE. Click here to check them out.