As a single parent and one who was on the dating scene for awhile, I can honestly say that trying to find a life partner in midlife may be about ten times more difficult than it is when we’re younger.
Some of the reasons why it’s more difficult to find true love after forty are that a lot of people are already in long-term relationships or married. Another reason is that his kids may be younger than yours or maybe he never had kids at all. Maybe he wants more kids and you’re done with being pregnant. Some people tend to have too high of expectations. Lump that all in with age difference, economic difference, lifestyle differences, religious outlooks, and it can greatly reduce your chances of finding the right person.
There are dating sites just for single parents such as Single Moms And Dads and Single Parents Mingle. Still, you need to be careful, even on these websites. I learned a long time ago to not mention that I had young daughters because that is sometimes an invitation for pedophiles to contact you. I’m not saying we need to be paranoid, just cautious and wise.
On the flip side, being middle-aged and looking for a future spouse can actually be easier and less stressful, if you handle it right. By the time we’re out of our twenties and are breezing through our thirties or perhaps cruising along in our forties, we’ve learned a whole lot. Many men and women now have higher self-esteem, aren’t dictated solely by hormones, and are on the lookout for a soulmate and best friend, not just someone who can satisfy an itch or the calling of nature. Yes, we should have learned our lessons.
Yet, as a relationship coach I’ve seen too many women and men simply perpetuate every negative thing they did in the past. I was guilty of that myself about a decade ago. So how do we make better choices so we can find true and lasting love rather than repeat bad habits?
In her book, Are You The One For Me?, Barbara DeAngelis, PhD says you should make a list of the top things you need in a relationship and a list of red flags. When out on a date, if the guy or girl demonstrates any red-flag behavior it’s time to move on. Also, by having a list of what’s truly valuable to you in a relationship, you can keep an eye on your own behavior as well. It’s easy to feel lonely and allow our need to connect with another person to overshadow our better judgment.
Had I not made these two lists I wouldn’t have found the wonderful man I’m with now. Instead, I surely would have repeated past behavior, been in marriage number three or four, and with a man who didn’t satisfy me on any level. When we have our own lists in our own writing, how can we ignore that? We can’t.
There will always be compromises and changes in relationships, no matter how wonderful they are. You can’t live in a Disney-type world every day of your life. That’s simply not reality. But you shouldn’t go against your own morals or values either. Remember the Golden Rule at all times and if you aren’t receiving everything you’re giving out, then know that another good person waits for you down the road.
It is possible to find true love in midlife by being patient, careful, and honest with yourself and others.