I think I hold on too tightly. As the single parent of an only child I believe that I am overprotective and that I’m guilty of being a helicopter parent. I hover, I ask questions, I check up and insist she check in. Even at 18 I call her everyday to make sure she is up for work, she always is, but that doesn’t mean I stop calling.
I want to know who her friends are, where she is going, who will be there, will there be an adult. What time will you be home? Who’s going with you? Wake me up when you come in. These are all normal parts of our conversation. Luckily for me, Hailey is really good about telling me what is going on.
I remember when she was starting kindergarten and I was in a state of panic that part of her day not only wouldn’t include me but I would have no idea who it would include or what they would be doing. Now, she’s 18 and there are whole parts of her life that I don’t share. She has a job, she has a boyfriend, and they plan on getting married. What will I do when she no longer lives under my roof and seeing her everyday isn’t an option?
For the past eight years Hailey has been my life. Would things have been different if I had someone else to share the job of parenting her, or if I had other children to need my time and attention? I’ve dated, but even when I dated someone long term, I wasn’t willing to give up my time with my daughter, to leave her alone to spend time with someone else. It has always been important to me that Hailey knew she came first in my life, that nothing was more important to me than her happiness and well being.
Now I’m kind of at loose ends. Who am I now that no one needs me full time? I’ve been struggling with this since Hailey turned 16 and her world widened with the acquisition of a drivers license. It may be time for me to get a life, but I’m not sure I’m ready. It still feels like it has all happened much too quickly. I’m not ready for my baby to leave the nest, and I’m certainly not ready to figure out what comes next.
I think that by focusing on parenting Hailey I didn’t have to focus on me. I didn’t need to seriously date, I already had something important in my life, and I didn’t feel the need to fill that space with someone else. My time and energy were for Hailey, even when she wasn’t home, I made sure I was waiting when she got back. Maybe that’s what’s scaring me, now, after all this time, I may just have to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.