No matter how much I work on communication in my parenting, sometimes one of my children and I get our wires crossed. There are just those times when I hear myself saying one thing; think I am being clear, transparent and obvious–and they hear something completely different! The next thing I know, I am trying to explain myself and defend what I thought I was saying and we’ve entered some sort of twilight zone of miscommunication!
Here is a perfect example: My daughter came downstairs in the midst of preparing to go to a costume party. She said to me: “I have to do something different with my hair, I’m supposed to be unrecognizable.” Without really thinking, I respond: “Why don’t you wear one of those black wigs?” What is my daughter’s response to me?
“What’s the matter, mom, isn’t my hair good enough?!” cupboard doors slam as she marches back upstairs. Okay, I certainly was not trying to say that she needed to cover up her horrible hair, I was just making a suggestion for how to accomplish the unrecognizable costume. It took a half-hour for me to apologize and we never really got things to a very pleasant place. Sometimes, I know I can just chalk our miscommunications up to hormones and adolescence–but other times I worry that we will just never be on the same page or I doubt my communication skills and wonder if I’m not really sending off the wrong vibe. I keep trying, however, and I think that as parents of adolescents (or even younger or older children too) that is all we can do. Communication involves so much more than the exact words that are said–there is body language, inflection, and even the personal history of both individuals. Sure, sometimes I think I must be speaking in some mysterious foreign language to my kids–or at least that is how they are hearing me, but I’m determined to keep trying!
Also: Walking the Mother-Daughter Tightrope 2
Improving Communication Through Parent-Child Contracts