Death is so much a part of life, but in our society, we are often shielded from the constant ordinariness of dying. Our children, in particular, may live to be quite old before they are ever around someone who is dying or experience death in the extended family. We know longer live in tight little tribes and keep our family members around us throughout the life span. I think that this is the main reason that when there is an illness and death in the extended family, it can be disorienting and challenging for children (not to mention their parents.) The first time you and your children experience the illness and dying of an aging grandparent or relative, it can be quite the traumatic experience.
As those of us who have gone through it know, illness and death can bring out the best and the worst in people. When extended family comes together, it can be enriching, but it can also be stressful and intense. Depending on the age of the child, it can be hard to figure out where they fit into all of the chaos and drama—especially if mom and/or dad are distracted or in the midst of it too. As parents, we have to try to step outside of our own grief and family drama to tend to our children too.
Remember that children are very self-centered. Even older teenagers may be processing the illness and death as it relates to them (or as they think it relates to them.) One of my children explained it well when she said the first time she had to think about an aging and dying great-grandparent, it immediately dawned on her that she was going to die someday too. It is not a lack of compassion, but age-appropriate self-absorption that causes children to process the illness and death around how it feels and affects them.
Some children will shut down or want to get away from all the extended family and while this may be normal, you will have to decide as a parent what is best for the child. I find that striving for balance can be best. Depending on the age of the child, they may need some time to play and be with their friends to balance out the extended family and the “heaviness” that is going on around them. Remember they are still children and while we want them to learn how to face and cope with death as a part of life, we need to keep it in perspective too.