It may be clear to us as parents when we should step in and advocate for our child when they are younger, but as they get older it can be more challenging. Not only does it become tough for us to tell when we should intervene, but we also have the added pressure of often having a child who does NOT want us to get involved—it can be embarrassing and cause more problems for him with his peer group than it solves. It can feel like a minefield as a parent to know when to step in and intervene and when to allow the child the opportunity to work things out on his or her own.
I wish I could say that there are hard and fast rules to guide a parent who is trying to decide whether to intervene or not with a 4th, 5th, or 6th grader. Unfortunately, there are so many things that come into play. Suffice to say that you should really keep your child’s safety and best interest at the core of every decision and follow your instinct. If the child is having trouble with a specific class or teacher, it might help to do a little research before you go marching in. Try to figure out what is really going on—perhaps by talking to other parents and trying to find out if anyone else is having problems too. Volunteer to work in the classroom to see what you can pick up on your own. Then you will need to decide if you want to help give the child skills to deal with the problem, or intervene and talk to the teacher.
When a child is having problem with peers—it can be even more confusing. Bullying can be a real problem and how can a parent know if it truly bullying or if it is typical peer troubles. Depending on how bullying is handled at the school or in the environment, a parent’s intervening can actually make it harder for the child (our kids are not lying when they share this astute observation) so we have to figure out how to intervene, stop the bullying and keep our children safe. I find that if I keep the motto “do no harm” at the forefront of my mind I can make decisions about how to get involved (teaching the child how to stick up for herself, talking to teachers, going to the administration, volunteering at school and getting more directly involved, talking to other parents, etc.) that can help to remedy the situation and not make it worse. It may take time, tact, and creativity, but we can still be involved parents as our kids get older.
Also: Bullying: Do You Know Your Child’s Classmates?