You might be surprised to see ‘religion’ on the list today. Perhaps you think that if you married your spouse in the temple, you are obviously on the same page. Sadly, this is not true. You may attend the same church but have a different idea of what it means to be a practicing Latter-day Saint. These different ideas may well lead to tension and fights. {With so many levels of possible devotion, I’m going to assume for this blog both spouses are active in the church.)
As a convert, I for some reason assumed that a temple marriage was a celestial marriage. The whole newlywed idealization was probably a factor – I was sure we would never fight. After all, my husband was a zillionth-generation Latter-day Saint, with ancestors crossing the plains. Surely we would be on the same page when it came to putting the gospel into action!
Hopefully, most people aren’t as naïve as I was. As with anything in the world, different people have different levels of commitment. Looking back years later, it seems obvious that we should have taken a little more time to focus on the spiritual in our pre-marriage relationship (which is not to say we have a bad marriage, just that it has come with challenges).
But forget how we got there. Where do we go from here? What do you do if you feel strongly about having FHE but your spouse doesn’t? How do you handle it if the priesthood holder in your home never leads in family prayer?
First, go to the Lord in prayer. He will give you better advice than I will. If you feel your spouse isn’t stepping up or isn’t providing a strong example for your children, take the matter to your Heavenly Father. Don’t just ask for solutions; ask Him to help you soften your heart. When my husband never initiated family prayer or read during family scripture study, I felt myself growing resentful. Among other things, this hindered my ability to feel the Spirit while doing spiritual things – not exactly a great example for my kids.
Second, keep doing what needs to be done. We had another problem when it came to Family Home Evening. Whenever it was my husband’s turn to prepare a lesson, he forgot. For the first few years, while I struggled with young kids, the idea of preparing a lesson every week exhausted me. I also worried that if I did this, I was setting up a routine that would be followed for years to come. But no matter what the dynamics are, my children still need a family home evening lesson and routine (and now they are getting old enough to teach the lesson themselves!).
Third, communicate your problems with your spouse in a kind manner (preferably right after prayer, so you are less angry and more uplifted). Tell them what you are feeling. At one point, I realized that part of the reason my husband did not lead family prayer was because I had stepped in. I told him that, after thought and prayer, I realized that I was usurping his priesthood responsibility, and I was sorry. I told him I thought it was important for him to lead in prayer. Since then, he calls on someone for prayer, not me. He understood how I felt on the subject, and followed through.
Since you and your spouse are different people, it is only natural that you not line up exactly, even on the important things. However, if you try to overcome any negative feelings and work things out, often they will put forth the extra effort. My husband has come a long way spiritually since we were married; things that he struggled with at first come more easily to him now. I’d like to think I was a positive influence – and I’m sure I had a little to do with it – but he is also growing up and maturing, and his perspective in life is changing. Sometimes all we have to do is let the ones we love have a little space, and they will astound us.
Related Articles:
For more articles in this series, check out the ‘Maritial Relationships‘ link for the LDS Families blog!
Five Goals to Work on as a Couple
Strengthen Your Marriage by Studying the Gospel Together
Strengthen Your Marriage with Temple Attendance