I had a hard time coming up with what to title this blog without sounding too callous and bossy. I was thinking about one of the challenges in the early months and years of my life as a single parent and wanted to talk about how it took some effort for me to “let go” of the need I felt to know what my children were up to when they were not at my house, but were spending time with their father. The kids, of course, realized early on that they could create great drama and distractions by adding fuel to my insecurities by trying to stir things up with information about what “mom was up to” and what “dad was up to.” One of the healthier moves I made was being able to start minding my own business with my home and family, and letting my ex mind his.
By setting very clear boundaries and letting what goes on at Mom’s house and what goes on at Dad’s house remain the domain and “business” of the respective parent—it creates a healthier situation. Of course, in my situation, there wasn’t any reason that I SHOULD need to know—no neglect or abuse or anything like that. I realize that some divorced family situations are quite different. My children’s safety or well-being wasn’t ever an issue. Now, I must confess that minding my own business and letting him mind his did not come easily for me and I still occasionally relapse. It’s incredibly hard! As the mom, I certainly want to know what my kids are up to all the time and, while I don’t care what the Ex is up to, I want to know what my kids are doing!
Being able to keep such strong boundaries can take rebuilding trust that may have been damaged during the divorce process. Setting up clear avenues for communication and sharing information also help. This way, the parents don’t feel insecure and shut out over what’s going on with the other house, and can actually relax and do a better job at “minding their own business.”
See Also: Expectations of the Ex-Spouse as a Single Parent and Relational Responsibility