My last blog talked about how your other children will handle becoming a visibly different (or even more different) family. In addition to getting used to stares, your children will be asked questions about adoption. How will you help your children to answer these? One resource can be the WISE UP Powerbook, a workbook (designed for adopted kids, but it could be adapted for use by a sibling, child with a disability, or anyone who gets asked intrusive questions. It helps kids consider whether they wish to Walk away, say “It’s private”, Share something small, or Eduate people about adoption.
Two other books about adoption, told from the sibling’s point of view (one sibling is also adopted, one is the adoptive parents’ birth child), are Is That Your SISTER?, and William is my Brother.
How should you tell your current children about your adoption plans? When you should tell current children about your adoption plans varies depending on your child’s age. One social worker suggests not telling kids younger than five until six weeks before the expected travel date or baby’s due date. Of course, some families can’t resist telling their preschooler before that. Telling the child “after next Passover (or summer vacation, or Christmas—you get the idea) can help prevent you from dealing with a child stuffing all her clothes into a suitcase every day. (This is the technique I stumbled upon when I was teaching preschool. My class knew I had become engaged and every Monday morning they would ask if I was married yet.)
Older children should have more time to adjust. A book about waiting a long time is Waiting for Asha.
One caveat: tell your children before you tell extended family so that they don’t hear the big news from someone else.
Will the new adoption trigger any emotions about their own adoption story in your current children? Be alert for any signs of stress and gently open the discussion. If your child doesn’t broach the topic, continue to share her adoption story with her.
Finally, how will you handle the costs of another adoption and of raising another child? A poll recently taken by Adoptive Families magazine shows that 48% of respondents used savings and other assets, 30% secured a home equity loan, ten percent had help from friends and family, five percent tightened their budget, and one percent did fundraising.
If money will be a big issue you can look into adopting from the foster care system. Not only will this eliminate most if not all adoption fees, but you can often get an ongoing subsidy for the medical and psychological care the children will need, and assistance with college tuition. Alternatively, you can adopt a “waiting child” (children with a disability or special need or older children, usually). Various organizations may sponsor grants to assist families willing to adopt children with special needs.