If you are among the majority of divorced parents, you find your kids often put you in a parent tug-of-war game. Let’s face it, kids are really good at getting what they want. Not that they’re bad kids but they quickly learn that coming from a divorced family has its advantages. I remember many times when I had told my kids no about something, only to find out their father took them on his weekend not knowing they were not to go.
For instance, my son had been grounded one particular weekend. He had planned on going roller-skating with friends but that had to be changed. Deciding he wanted to stay at his father’s house, I never even thought that he would weasel out of the grounding. I forgot to tell his dad that he was grounded so when Saturday afternoon came around and it was time for the party, his dad took him. Lesson learned for his father and me – we needed to communicate better.
You will also find that kids put parents in the game of tug-of-war when they know there is tension. In this case, if you and your ex-spouse are at odds, you may find your child taking one side or the other, again using this to his/her advantage in getting something down the road. For this reason, I strongly recommend you keep kids out of adult arguments. In fact, if the two of you need to disagree on something, do it when the child is gone.
One of the greatest challenges of being a divorced parent is trying to have the children follow rules from two households. After all, if you are divorced, chances are you could not agree on things while married. Now, trying to set the same rules for raising the children is very unlikely. However, it is imperative that the two of you set some ground rules so the kids know they must abide in both homes.
As stated, kids putting parents in the game of tug-of-war are not being mean, just kids. It is common for kids to work systems to their advantage. Therefore, you need to work as closely with the father or mother of your children so the kids cannot take the upper hand. Yes, this requires time and work but it is possible and well worth the effort made.
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