“Sometimes the way we analyze a problem keeps us entrenched in it.” These few powerful words are the beginning of chapter seven of the book, Try and Make Me!. It’s a great chapter (and a great book) that deals with parenting myths as they relate to the defiant child. The authors point out that if we accept these myths as reality, we then will stall any attempts to help teach our defiant child appropriate behavior. Parents have to be aware of the myths and the realities and then set aside these myths, only then can we make any progress with our kids.
The authors identify 6 common myths. They are:
(1) Nothing works with these kids.
The reality is all kids can be helped, we just have to choose the best method and try and then try again until we gain success.
(2) All these kids need is a good “whop”.
The reality is when we spank kids, especially defiant ones, they tend to take out their aggression on other kids.
(3) Defiant kids don’t have the necessary skills to behave themselves.
The reality is that all kids have the skills to behave. Many defiant kids simply choose not to use these skills unless they are made to do so.
(4) A child has to fully understand the consequences of his behavior beforehand.
The reality is that a child has to understand that he will be punished if he misbehaves. It’s okay that the child knows exactly what that punishment will be but not necessary in order to change a behavior.
(5) Defiant kids are angry kids with low self-esteem and need to get their anger out in order to get better.
The reality is that there are better ways to help a defiant child rather than letting them behave in an angry manner.
(6) A defiant child’s behavior is biochemical.
The reality is that most behavior are not biochemical in nature and won’t require medication in order for the child’s behavior to change. Most defiant kids can change their behavior if they are motivated to change.
See also:
Do You Have A Defiant Child? Check Your Parenting Style