Yesterday we looked at the grooming process that sexual predators use on children and their adult supports. The predators purposely groom to trick and manipulate others into believing that the abuser is a wonderful, caring person. Throughout this devious method of control, they also groom the child to stay silent.
A threat doesn’t have to be made in anger. A soft, caring voice that warns a child that if they tell, the family will be destroyed is as effective as holding a knife to a child’s throat. Children love and trust their families; they do not want to be the one to destroy them. Sometimes predators will use threats against other things that the child loves as well, for example, the family pet, no access to internet games, or banning of going to a friends house.
Worse still, predators often use the plea that because the child didn’t say “no,” they must have liked and wanted the abuse. This confuses the child further and forces them deeper into secrecy and shame. They are reluctant to tell anyone because they think that they might get into trouble.
Often predators will give gifts of great developmental worth to a child, like sweets or a hard to find card for their collection. Money also is often used. The child loves these things and wants to keep them. If they tell, they may lose their treasured gifts. So, the child keeps quiet and the abuse continues.
Children don’t have a sophisticated vocabulary like the one adults have developed. The child may not only fail to understand what is happening but also be developmentally unprepared in their language to talk about it. First sexual experiences are sometimes even difficult for big people to understand or talk about. If the child’s family never talks about private parts of the body, the child will be at a loss to find words to tell you what has happened. Therefore, it is very important that you create a culture of open talk in your family. Use some of the ideas from BITSS of Body Ownership to start conversations about private parts. Children need permission from you to talk to you about “rude” stuff. It is not enough to tell your children that they can come to talk to you about anything. The children need to hear the words, “Nobody can touch your body or private parts if you don’t want them to. If somebody does, please tell me so that I can stop it from happening again.”
Just as an exercise in how difficult it is to talk about sexual experiences, and how easy it is to stay silent, I want you to consider the answers to these few simple questions
* When was your last sexual experience?
* What was the first sign that you were about to have a sexual experience?
* What time of day was it?
* What sounds could you hear?
* What smells could you detect?
* Who said what and in what order?
* What happened – what sort of encounter was it?
Now – who’d like to write the answers and tell the world about it?
STOP. I don’t want anyone to post their answer. I just wanted to show you how difficult it can be for adults to talk publicly about consensual experiences. We have the words, we have the understanding, and hopefully, we have the ability to say “no.” Children don’t. They are at the mercy of a predator who has groomed them for silence.
Break the silence. TALK. TRAIN. TELL. Start playing protectively today and protect your children from the possibility of child sexual abuse. Have a look at these back blogs for play ideas on introducing games around Body Ownership, Intuition, Touch, Say No, and Support Networks.
Did you have a sexually abusive experience as a child where you were unable to tell anyone? If you did, you are not alone. It is very difficult for children to tell. By telling trusted people now, you may regain your power and break the grooming that your perpetrator held over you. Imaginif…you had known that it wasn’t your fault. Imaginif…you knew it was a method of manipulation and control that perpetrators skillfully use.