My last two blogs have been based on Beth Hall and Gail Steinberg’s work in their book, Inside Transracial Adoption. I have tried to briefly summarize their explanation of common stages gone through by adoptees and adoptive parents. In this blog I will discuss their interpretation of birthparents’ reactions.
Naturally, these ideas represent the authors’ experiences of patterns many members of the adoption triad (child, birthparents, adoptive parents) report feeling. Individuals’ experiences may be different, of course.
In the Pre-Conscious Stage, birthparents think that even though it breaks their heart not to be able to raise their baby, the adoption will be sort of like a Cinderella story which will give the child all the things the birthparent cannot give. He/she focuses on how much the adoptive parents will love the baby, hopes the baby will know how much she is loved by the birthparents also, and believes that it may be good for the baby to grow up believing race doesn’t matter, and that the adoption may prevent the baby from making the birthparents’ own mistakes.
In the Contact Stage, encounters with unfavorable attitudes toward adoption challenge the birthparent’s decision. These encounters may be from negative media portrayals of birthparents as selfish, cold, or addicted to drugs; or from others who imply that they would have found a way to raise their baby. Birthparents with children of color may be surprised to find it harder to find a family for their child.
Disintegration: the birthparent realizes that not all adopted people have wonderful lives and worry that their child may not be a perfect fit with the adoptive family. They realize that some people look at adoptees as “bad seed” and this pains them for their child. They wonder whether, in trying to give their child a better life, they may have ruined their child’s life instead. A parent of color may see other adoptees of color whose skin and hair is not properly cared for, and worry about their child. In this stage it may be comforting to seek out other birthparents.
Internalization: The birthparent accepts that the child is part of his adoptive family forever and begins to realize that the experience of growing up adopted has probably caused both discomfort and strengths. “Not better, not worse; just different.” The birthparent accepts responsibility for her choice, understanding now that the repercussions were more complex than she dreamed at the time. Contact with the child and adoptive family and with other birth parents may be beneficial.
Immersion/Emerging: The birthparent accepts that the child’s birth and adoptive heritages combine to make him who he is. She knows she has a connection to the child and feels little need to compete with the adoptive parents. She prepares health and other information for the child should they need it.
Birthparents of color may wish that the system had given them better choices, that they had known to ask the adoptive parents how they would deal with racial issues and heritage, and that they had had enough self-confidence to offer to help the adoptive family in this area. They hope their child feels good about their heritage and, as one parent said, “I am working on myself, getting involved in helping my community because that’s what I want my daughter to find. I want her to know she has this whole community to love and which she is a member of.”
Please see this related blog:
Book Review: Inside Transracial Adoption