The Children Discussion


Last week I posted my recent rumination on whether or not I’m ready to have kids. Looking back, I realized that based on the tenor of my article it really belonged more in the parenting or pregnancy blogs. Why? Because it focused on me and my marriage is made up of two people. Today I’ll rectify that by going over what the discussions on the topic have been like for my husband and me.

Jon and I didn’t talk about whether or not we wanted kids until we were engaged. Perhaps we should have done so sooner; what if we’d pledged to marry each other, and then found out that one wanted kids when the other one didn’t? That could have been a deal breaker. But luckily that wasn’t the case, and anyway we were in our early 20s when we got married, it wasn’t necessary for us to talk about kids when we were any younger.

Our engagement conversation consisted of merely whether or not we ever wanted children. And here’s where my husband surprised everyone, friends and family alike: he was gung-ho. He knew he wanted children, and he even knew how many (three). This was surprising to everyone not because Jonathan doesn’t seem like a kids person, but because he’s usually so laid back, almost apathetic, about everything. He’s rarely passionate and decisive.

I was less sure. It’s not that I actively didn’t want children, it’s that I didn’t know if I did or not. I’d never really thought about it. In the back of my mind I guess I’d assumed it would happen, just because that’s the norm, but it’s never something I’d specifically imagined or dreamed about.

We agreed that we wanted kids (or at least that I’d be open to the idea). But I told him I was only going to agree to one biological child, not commit years in advance to pushing three little humans out of my womb. I liked the idea of adoption but I’d also try having my own kids, and I figured when we were ready we could start with our first and move on from there.

After that the topic didn’t really come up for a couple years. Then our friends started having babies, so the idea began to hover in my head. It still seemed like something far-off in the future, but it was a possibility closer to my radar and one that didn’t fill me with dread.

I found out that it still might fill me with some terror, however, when I mentioned the slow change in my feelings to my husband and he replied, “So let’s do it!” We were driving and I was behind the wheel, and he’s lucky I didn’t crash us both into a fiery death, that’s how much his sudden and uncharacteristic enthusiasm startled me.

Our recent discussion brought to light all of my feelings that I mentioned last week. It also showed that my husband feels ready. He said that although he’s always wanted kids he didn’t want them right away, but now whenever I’m ready, he is too. We’re not yet at the point where he wants them and is pushing me to accept, but I do have a small worry in the back of my mind that that day may come.

I don’t know what the future will hold. I’ve never been one to make big plans beyond the immediate future, to have a life scheme figured out. But as long as my husband and I continue to communicate our wants and needs, like we’ve done with this issue, we’ll be fine.

Related Articles:

A Different View on Marriage

Not My Idea of Romance

Can We Be a Family of Two?

January Check In: New Year’s Resolutions in Marriage

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