In times of transition, insecurity, or even chaos, our children need more than anything to be able to trust in us. They need to believe that we know what we’re doing and that we are capable of looking out for them and “holding down the fort.” As single parents, it is especially important that we send our kids a clear message (and remind and reiterate) that we know what we’re doing (even if we’re not entirely sure of that ourselves!)
We absolutely all make mistakes and there are plenty of days when I am really just holding on and hoping for the best–but I remember during my separation and divorce, when everything felt precarious and unsure, my kids needed to hear and feel that mom and dad knew what they were doing and that we were going to look after things just fine. You may need to tell your kids, “I know what I’m doing, I’m always going to take care of us.” You may also need to make sure that you do plenty of little, ordinary things that show your child that you are still on top of the basic needs. During the time just following my divorce, I was busy with work and with school and we ran out of cereal because I hadn’t had time to get to the grocery store–my son took it as “Mom’s too poor to buy cereal” and got quite upset. It surely wasn’t the first time we had run out of a food item, but since he was already feeling shaky and insecure, it seemed like a much bigger problem than it was. I took him with me to the grocery store and we stocked up on what we needed, and explained to him that I had just gotten busy–not that I couldn’t take care of what he needed.
Since our kids only have us–the one parent in the home, there isn’t someone to “catch us” if we have an off day. Even though our children will eventually learn that we are ordinary, fallible humans, they also need to be able to trust that we will keep things in order and take care of them–no matter what.
Also: Consistency is Big for Single Parents Too
Do We Expect More Responsibility From Our Kids?
Make Sure They Know Who Is the Boss